Psychology is a fascinating subject and I love bringing it to life for people with real world examples. Otherwise what's the point? Last week I went into a UK financial institution and coached several groups on the art of 'courageous conversations' (giving feedback to their managers, speaking up when something's not right, challenging accepted ways of doing things etc). A key part of successful conversations of this nature, as with many human-human interactions, is being able to see the world from the other person's perspective and being able to exercise 'unconditional positive regard' (a term associated with Carl Rogers, a founder of the humanistic movement which essentially says it's helpful if we seek to see people in the best light possible).
Aaron Beck, a psychiatrist famed for the development of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, gave us another tool which can help us interpret people and their behaviour in a positive way: reframing.
I talked through these ideas using a personal story not at all related to their work in finance (but that's the power of story - and it made them laugh and lighten up) but about life as a parent with a preschooler learning how (not) to share. So here's the story of how I missed the opportunity to have generous positive regard and reframe the behaviour of another mother.
My ever inquisitive, gregarious son who's nearly three decided he'd like to check out another kid's scooter parked at a picnic bench near ours in the park. I watch him approach and lug my not-so-light-anymore baby daughter over with me to smooth the situation with the po-faced grandmother and mother of scooter owner. To cut a long story short the grandmother told him in no uncertain terms that it wasn't for him to play on and when I mentioned me working on teaching my son to share the mother told me not to tell her how to bring her kids up. Whoah, back up there lady I thought. If only I'd kept it to a thought. Can't remember my actual words but something along the lines of not needing to come on so strong and a gentle reminder that my son is not yet 3. Isn't curiosity to be expected of them at this age? Perhaps her son is too dull to think about exploring other people's stuff without mummy by his side. Oooh, I can feel the red mist coming down again! Calm down Mrs Chivers.
So the point of my story? If I'd chosen to reframe her behaviour as I coach people to do(imagine as many different ways possible to reinterpret her behaviour until I came up with an alternative that didn't cause me to get het up - like her husband having just died or her having just lost her job or going through cold turkey after coming off methodone - not that it was that sort of park you understand) then I wouldn't have spent the next two hours mulling it over, telling anyone who'd listen how I'd been wronged and making that my welcome home speech when my husband walked in the door. Then again, it did make a great story for my coachees.
Tuesday, 30 June 2009
Tuesday, 26 May 2009
PSYCHOLOGY: Mental Capital & Wellbeing
The Government Office for Science published a report last year, "Mental Capital and Wellbeing: Making the most of ourselves in the 21st century" a culmination of two years worth of research by well-respected psychologists such as Cary Cooper among others. By commissioning the project and publishing the report the Government recognises its key role in helping each of us 'flourish'. The report is a massive 317 pages long and one tiny snippet I like is the equivalent of "5 Fruit & Veg a day" to build our mental capital:
1. Connect… With the people around you. With family, friends, colleagues and neighbours. At home, work, school or in your local community. Think of these as the cornerstones of your life and invest time in developing them.Building these connections will support and enrich you every day.
2. Be active… Go for a walk or run. Step outside. Cycle. Play a game. Garden. Dance. Exercising makes you feel good. Most importantly, discover a physical activity you enjoy and that suits your level of mobility and fitness.
3. Take notice… Be curious. Catch sight of the beautiful. Remark on the unusual. Notice the changing seasons. Savour the moment, whether you are walking to work, eating lunch or talking to friends. Be aware of the world around you and what you are feeling. Reflecting on your experiences will help you appreciate what matters to you.
4. Keep learning… Try something new. Rediscover an old interest. Sign up for that course. Take on a different responsibility at work. Fix a bike. Learn to play an instrument or how to cook your favourite food. Set a challenge you enjoy achieving. Learning new things will make you more confident as well as being fun.
5. Give … Do something nice for a friend, or a stranger. Thank someone. Smile. Volunteer your time. Join a community group. Look out, as well as in. Seeing yourself, and your happiness, as linked to the wider community can be incredibly rewarding and creates connections with the people around you.
1. Connect… With the people around you. With family, friends, colleagues and neighbours. At home, work, school or in your local community. Think of these as the cornerstones of your life and invest time in developing them.Building these connections will support and enrich you every day.
2. Be active… Go for a walk or run. Step outside. Cycle. Play a game. Garden. Dance. Exercising makes you feel good. Most importantly, discover a physical activity you enjoy and that suits your level of mobility and fitness.
3. Take notice… Be curious. Catch sight of the beautiful. Remark on the unusual. Notice the changing seasons. Savour the moment, whether you are walking to work, eating lunch or talking to friends. Be aware of the world around you and what you are feeling. Reflecting on your experiences will help you appreciate what matters to you.
4. Keep learning… Try something new. Rediscover an old interest. Sign up for that course. Take on a different responsibility at work. Fix a bike. Learn to play an instrument or how to cook your favourite food. Set a challenge you enjoy achieving. Learning new things will make you more confident as well as being fun.
5. Give … Do something nice for a friend, or a stranger. Thank someone. Smile. Volunteer your time. Join a community group. Look out, as well as in. Seeing yourself, and your happiness, as linked to the wider community can be incredibly rewarding and creates connections with the people around you.
Saturday, 9 May 2009
Mystery Birthday Present
A truly munificent friend took me out for a mystery day of fun today (her birthday present to me). She's the most thoughtful, inspiring, interesting and interested person so needless to say it was top banana. Before the day had even begun it was a thrill to know I was being taken care of and entertained without having to do any of thinking, planning or prep. A wonderful and rare thing! (Admittedly I'd already prepared a packed lunch for children and husband to take to the zoo before I left the house).
She began by giving me an envelope contining postacrd clues to what we were going to get up to, the theme for the day being 'doing something different.' The highlight was a bibliotherapy session at The School of Life with Ella Berthoud (fabulous artist as well as knowing her books), although having a whole day in my friend's company was the most special aspect. We always have so much to say, so many ideas to exchange and discuss and we come away buoyed from being with the other. Having talked about shaping our worlds, lessening our tendency to be people pleasers and accepting rules I sneaked a brief lie-down on Sigmund Freud's couch which was clearly labelled DO NOT TOUCH and NO PHOTOGRAPHY(displayed in the Madness & Modernity: Mental Illness and the visual arts in Vienna 1900 exhibition at Wellcome Collection). Of course we took a picture. What would Sigmund say?
She began by giving me an envelope contining postacrd clues to what we were going to get up to, the theme for the day being 'doing something different.' The highlight was a bibliotherapy session at The School of Life with Ella Berthoud (fabulous artist as well as knowing her books), although having a whole day in my friend's company was the most special aspect. We always have so much to say, so many ideas to exchange and discuss and we come away buoyed from being with the other. Having talked about shaping our worlds, lessening our tendency to be people pleasers and accepting rules I sneaked a brief lie-down on Sigmund Freud's couch which was clearly labelled DO NOT TOUCH and NO PHOTOGRAPHY(displayed in the Madness & Modernity: Mental Illness and the visual arts in Vienna 1900 exhibition at Wellcome Collection). Of course we took a picture. What would Sigmund say?
Thursday, 7 May 2009
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
I've been commissioned to write a feature for SHE magazine and it gave me the opportunity to drop a line to a rather groovily named Hungarian psychologist, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (pronounced Me-hi Cheek-sent-me-hi) asking for a quote. He's 'famous' for his contribution to the 'positive' branch of psychology and I read one of his books years ago - "Flow: The classic work on how to achieve happiness". To my amazement and delight he mailed straight back with a quote and I have to say, it was a thrill. Am I nerd of what?
I've just finished Kate Atkinson's latest novel, "When will there be good news" which was as much a page turner as her other two featuring Jackson Brodie. Not quite as gripping as Sophie Hannah's "The Point of Rescue" but close. Thoroughly recommend both. I read a feature by Sophie Hannah in a recent edition of SHE magazine (on feeling smothered by motherhood)and was compelled to write in commenting on how impressed I was by her honesty. Blooming marevllous it is to hear people say what they really think and feel.
I've just finished Kate Atkinson's latest novel, "When will there be good news" which was as much a page turner as her other two featuring Jackson Brodie. Not quite as gripping as Sophie Hannah's "The Point of Rescue" but close. Thoroughly recommend both. I read a feature by Sophie Hannah in a recent edition of SHE magazine (on feeling smothered by motherhood)and was compelled to write in commenting on how impressed I was by her honesty. Blooming marevllous it is to hear people say what they really think and feel.
Friday, 17 April 2009
DSD Weeks 3&4
Husband has declared he has too many other projects on the go to partake of this month's DSD (see January 2nd posting on 'Do Something Different' challenges), so it's just me focussing on community spirit for the next seven days. He makes a good point that with just two hours spare after the babies are in bed, you really have to spend it on what you want. Fair play to him. I think he'll be back on board next month though. At least I hope he is given the nature of the something different. Knowing that community was the theme for April I answered the plight of a local playgroup organiser who's about to hang up her keys and move out of the area with no one ready to take up the reins. I just couldn't bare to see it fold knowing from experience that it's much harder to get something going than keep it going. A bit like plate spinning I expect, ha ha ha.
I think I need a new word to decsribe my busyness though. 'Busy' just doesn't cut it. I have taken multi-tasking to a whole new level. I found myself folding just-laundered-washing whilst I was stationary at the traffic lights this lunchtime. I wonder if that's illegal? Am I mad? Paradoxically, I've morphed into some new uber chilled mummy this week as a way to improve number 1 child's typical toddler behaviour. And it's worked. I think that's why I've gone into hyperdrive when I'm not with him - I've got to catch up on everything that needs doing. He's been an absolute delight and I'm totally in love with him. Attention, interest and slowness seem to work wonders - thanks all the ladies on the NCT forum who shared their stories and tips with me. That's community spirit if ever I saw it. Anyway, back to DSDs. Week 3 was "Go Veggie" (in March) and that passed off easily and successfully. At least it did if you count fish as veggie? A friend told me my DSDs had inspired her and her husband to try a new recipe every week and that made me feel good. There's nothing like moving other people's minds.
Finally, Giles Coren (straight-talking food critic for The Times, chum of Gordon Ramsey I think) has been entertaining me on Radio 4's "Any Questions" this evening whilst I type (must nock this multi-tasking on the head). He's top of my fantasy dinner party guest list and the guy is an absolute scream. Check this out for a passionate rant.
I think I need a new word to decsribe my busyness though. 'Busy' just doesn't cut it. I have taken multi-tasking to a whole new level. I found myself folding just-laundered-washing whilst I was stationary at the traffic lights this lunchtime. I wonder if that's illegal? Am I mad? Paradoxically, I've morphed into some new uber chilled mummy this week as a way to improve number 1 child's typical toddler behaviour. And it's worked. I think that's why I've gone into hyperdrive when I'm not with him - I've got to catch up on everything that needs doing. He's been an absolute delight and I'm totally in love with him. Attention, interest and slowness seem to work wonders - thanks all the ladies on the NCT forum who shared their stories and tips with me. That's community spirit if ever I saw it. Anyway, back to DSDs. Week 3 was "Go Veggie" (in March) and that passed off easily and successfully. At least it did if you count fish as veggie? A friend told me my DSDs had inspired her and her husband to try a new recipe every week and that made me feel good. There's nothing like moving other people's minds.
Finally, Giles Coren (straight-talking food critic for The Times, chum of Gordon Ramsey I think) has been entertaining me on Radio 4's "Any Questions" this evening whilst I type (must nock this multi-tasking on the head). He's top of my fantasy dinner party guest list and the guy is an absolute scream. Check this out for a passionate rant.
Thursday, 9 April 2009
No Limits
I am coaching a most amazing woman at the moment (exceptionally self aware, determined, strong and emotonally intelligent) and an e-mail from her to me recently was too powerful not to share. So here, with her permission, is a short piece about bashing barriers out the way and doing something difficult:
Hi Jessica
Whilst swimmimg this afternoon I was thinking about the question of "limits".... I came to the conclusion that I don't really believe that there are many genuine ones. There are a few limits set out by nature for instance altitude which to some extent you can train for and to some extent there will be a genetic advantage/disadvantage. I do believe that I could do anything if I set my mind to doing it...and I also believe that goes for anybody. If a man who is told he will never walk or talk again, the boxer Michael Watson, can go on to complete the London marathon in a week. If an 80 year old woman can do Ironman triathlon. If a man who is paralysed from the neck down can climb a mountain using his arms, along with the many other things that Marc Heremans has achieved as a paralysed athlete. If a 65 year old man can pull his 40year old disabled son in a rubber dinghy around a 2.4 mile sea swim, sit him on the front of his bike and cycle a 112 mile course and then run the 26.2 mile marathon pushing him in a buggy.....with all of that surely the only real limits are those we may put on ourselves!!!!
I think a big factor in achieving seemingly distant or unachievable goals is being able to push past your comfort zone. Recognising that whatever discomfort you may feel it will be temporary. I have often in my endeavours and indeed in life used the memory of a past painful or challenging experience to remind myself of my strength. Similarly if I am going through something difficult I try and focus on it in such a way that allows me to bottle it almost like a remedy, to use at a later date when I am struggling. For instance when I recently had an abcess under one of my teeth, which was excrutiatingly painful, I tried to think about how it would make me stronger and that it would put extra reserves in my tank ready to be used when I need them. I think most people do not tap into those reserves that they may have, often not recognising what they have got themselves through in the past...and dismissing the idea that they could achieve a certain goal because it seems out of their league....
There were lots more thoughts during my hour and a half in the pool!!!!
She's incredible and she's going to be doing her umpteenth Iron Man competition in Lanzarote in May. She inspires me and my running to say the least.
Hi Jessica
Whilst swimmimg this afternoon I was thinking about the question of "limits".... I came to the conclusion that I don't really believe that there are many genuine ones. There are a few limits set out by nature for instance altitude which to some extent you can train for and to some extent there will be a genetic advantage/disadvantage. I do believe that I could do anything if I set my mind to doing it...and I also believe that goes for anybody. If a man who is told he will never walk or talk again, the boxer Michael Watson, can go on to complete the London marathon in a week. If an 80 year old woman can do Ironman triathlon. If a man who is paralysed from the neck down can climb a mountain using his arms, along with the many other things that Marc Heremans has achieved as a paralysed athlete. If a 65 year old man can pull his 40year old disabled son in a rubber dinghy around a 2.4 mile sea swim, sit him on the front of his bike and cycle a 112 mile course and then run the 26.2 mile marathon pushing him in a buggy.....with all of that surely the only real limits are those we may put on ourselves!!!!
I think a big factor in achieving seemingly distant or unachievable goals is being able to push past your comfort zone. Recognising that whatever discomfort you may feel it will be temporary. I have often in my endeavours and indeed in life used the memory of a past painful or challenging experience to remind myself of my strength. Similarly if I am going through something difficult I try and focus on it in such a way that allows me to bottle it almost like a remedy, to use at a later date when I am struggling. For instance when I recently had an abcess under one of my teeth, which was excrutiatingly painful, I tried to think about how it would make me stronger and that it would put extra reserves in my tank ready to be used when I need them. I think most people do not tap into those reserves that they may have, often not recognising what they have got themselves through in the past...and dismissing the idea that they could achieve a certain goal because it seems out of their league....
There were lots more thoughts during my hour and a half in the pool!!!!
She's incredible and she's going to be doing her umpteenth Iron Man competition in Lanzarote in May. She inspires me and my running to say the least.
Saturday, 4 April 2009
Finding Time
I went away for a few days recently (without children) to celebrate my 30th birthday and when I came back I landed with not so much a bump as a shock. And this isn’t the aircraft I’m talking about. No, it was the feeling that I didn’t know how on earth to get back into doing all the things I do and giving all that I give. It prompted me to send out a brief note to many mothers I know telling them just what a fantastic job they do every day without pay and little thanks. When discussing my experience with a friend we talked about needing to fill our own reserves up before we can give to others. She sent me a little quote: "When we connect with our own energy we are more open to the energy of other people. The more alive we feel the more we can contribute to the lives of others."
Another friend is doing a parenting course and they'd recently been covering the same thing; this idea that we have to take something back for all that we give. Anyway, I have to laugh about not feeling like I have enough time for myself because no one's going to find the time for me, it's up to me. Life is full of choices and if I decide it's more important to be comparing the Oftsed reports of two local nurseries at 9.30pm at night instead of cracking on with Rose Tremain's acclaimed "The Road Home" then more fool me.
My husband said the nursery decision was a no-brainer and no Ofsted reading required. He was right as it turns out. I do find him to be such a good decision maker, stripping out all the fluff and getting to the heart of the matter. Bless the man.
Another friend is doing a parenting course and they'd recently been covering the same thing; this idea that we have to take something back for all that we give. Anyway, I have to laugh about not feeling like I have enough time for myself because no one's going to find the time for me, it's up to me. Life is full of choices and if I decide it's more important to be comparing the Oftsed reports of two local nurseries at 9.30pm at night instead of cracking on with Rose Tremain's acclaimed "The Road Home" then more fool me.
My husband said the nursery decision was a no-brainer and no Ofsted reading required. He was right as it turns out. I do find him to be such a good decision maker, stripping out all the fluff and getting to the heart of the matter. Bless the man.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)