The Thinking Woman's Coach

LIFE: Grown-up Internships

2010-07-25T12:48:00.002+01:00

Having a bit of a thing for anything Neal's Yard this month's Reg magazine caught my eye in Waitrose with its day moisturiser freebie stuck to the cover. Not expecting there to be much decent stuff in it this month (a journalist once told me when you see a freebie it's because the content is light this month) but deciding the cream was a bargain at £3.10 I bought it. Get home and find under Sam's editorial opener that in fact there's something very worthwhile happening in Red magazine this month: grown up internships. I know from my coaching work that many of us are still grappling with the question of what to do with our lives so in my opinion this is one inspired campaign/idea/project. I admit to getting a little preoccupied myself from time to time with what I want to do for the rest of my life but do we need to know? Does it matter? As Baz Luhrmann famously sang, some of the most interesting people he's ever met still didn't know what they wanted to do when they were forty. Or something like that. I'm all for planning with the caveat of keeping one's mind open to interesting opportunities that might crop up along the way but if the work you're currently doing feels good then why worry about what you'll be doing in ten years time say? I'm not saying don't plan but why get freaked out about it and wind yourself up in knots when that might htaint the journey or hinder the process of discovery anyway.

I've found coaching working mums especially that sometimes it's good enough to keep putting one working foot in front of the other until the kids are all in school then re-evaluate what we want to do for the next 5 years. I don't think I'll ever advocate anyone planning what to do for the rest of their lives, especially with all the advances in medicine and gene therapy. "The rest of my life" could be a very long time.

If you fancy trying out life as an MP or a month at Liberty (or time at Red, Coty or The Royal Opera House) have a look at this.

PSYCHOLOGY: What is good enough?

2010-07-09T10:45:00.000+01:00

I'm beavering away on the book I'm writing for working mothers. I'm writing the chapter that's devoted to the idea of ditching or delegating domestic tasks to free us up for more interesting things. I'm inviting working mums to tell me how they go for 'good enough' on the home front via a short survey (please do it anonymously or leave your name to go in the book) and have been reading up on academic studies of housework.

Psychologist Chloe Bird did a study of the amount of domestic labour performed by 1,256 men and women and its impact on depression levels. Men reported doing 42% of the housework and the women 68% (which doesn’t quite add-up of course and according to other researchers who’ve studied housework habits, that’s because men tend to over-report how much they do). Using clever statistical analyses Dr Bird determined the point at which people experience ‘psychological distress’ from inequity in the division of housework and concluded that: “inequity in the division of household labor has a greater impact on distress than does the amount of household labor.. on average women are performing household labor beyond the point of maximum psychological benefit, whereas men are not.”

Help with my survey: http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/7SGLSVP

Boll*cks to Perfectionism

2010-07-05T19:59:00.002+01:00

I'm mulling over what changes I made to my life when I had kids and noticing that I'm much more comfortable with mess than I was when I first became a parent 4 years ago. Now I'm writing a book for working mothers my message as far as domesticity is to go for ‘good enough’ on the domestic front and bollocks to perfectionism.

Because perfectionism (I speak from experience – I am a woman who used to rewrite to-do lists if my son scribbled on them) is pointless, too much like hard work and annoying for everyone around us. I don’t know about you but I can turn into a demented fishwife when my husband puts his pants in my empty laundry basket or when the kids leave crumbs on my pristine kitchen work surfaces. Because let’s face it a perfect house doesn’t stay perfect for very long when you have small children.

I gave up striving to reach the bottom of the laundry basket a long time ago because the satisfaction doesn’t last long. Like Shirley Conran famously said, “Life’s too short to stuff a mushroom” I say if we’ve got time to watch the laundry basket we haven’t got enough going on in our lives! It’s staggering but true that academic research shows even where both parents work full time mothers still do more of every domestic task and men tend to over report the amount of each domestic activity they do!

I'm asking working mums to tell me about what they've ditched or do less of on the domestic front for my forthcoming book, Mothers Work. I'd love to hear from you - here's the survey.

Psychology: Say Cheese! Big smilers in photos are likely to live longer

2010-06-18T11:47:00.002+01:00

From the British Psychlogical Society Research Digest, Issue 167:

Look at a person's photo and it's tempting to think you can see their personality written all over it: stony-faced individuals appear somber; others flashing a big, toothy grin seem more genial. An intriguing new study claims that these smiles are a reliable marker of underlying positive emotion and as such are predictive of a person's longevity.

Ernest Abel and Michael Kruger had five people rate the smile intensity of 230 baseball players according to photos featured in the 1952 Baseball Register. The researchers used a three-point smile scale: no smile, half smile (mouth only), and genuine 'Duchenne' smile (muscles contracted around the mouth and corners of the eyes).

Focusing on the 150 players who'd died by the time of the study and controlling for extraneous factors such as BMI and marital status, the researchers found that those who were flashing a genuine 'Duchenne Smile' were half as likely to die in any given year compared with non-smilers. Indeed, the average life-span of the 63 deceased non-smilers was 72.9 years compared with 75 years for the 64 partial smilers and 79.9 years for the 23 Duchenne smilers.

A follow-up study was similar to the first but observers rated the attractiveness of the same players rather than their smile intensity. Unlike smile intensity, attractiveness bore no relation to longevity.

'To the extent that smile intensity reflects an underlying emotional disposition, the results of this study are congruent with those of other studies demonstrating that emotions have a positive relationship with mental health, physical health, and longevity,' the researchers said.

LIFE & PSYCHOLOGY: Pizza Epiphany

2010-06-14T11:36:00.000+01:00

Whilst not quite Saul to Paul on the road to Damascus I had an epiphany of sorts yesterday. Watching 3000 people gathered for the St Albans half marathon got me glassy eyed from the anticipation of the achievement they’d all soon be feeling. Despite constant encouragement from my husband that I ‘could bang a half marathon out tomorrow’ I haven’t been able to believe it myself. Then with all those post race endorphins in the air I said I’d do it next year (book publication PR permitting of course – Mothers Work is due out June 2011) because I kind of feel I ought to be able to do it.

We head home, eat a belly full of pizza and I find myself overwhelmed by the desire to get a dose of runners high myself. So that’s it - 4pm I’m out the door doing something unheard of: running in the afternoon. I’m a pre-breakfast girl, I just don’t do running after lunch. So I’m out in the sun taking it easy as I’m worried I’m going to feel sick or get riddled with stitches as that pizza’s still hanging around and before I know it I’ve got to 12K and it’s feeling easy. Might as well carry on me thinks and then desperate for the loo I call it a day at 14K. Now I say this without a hint of meaning to brag – more as a way to illustrate my stupidity – because this feeling of ease is new to me and I realise it’s all down to doing something different.

Seasoned readers of my monthly mail out know my fondness for DSD. My ‘different’ was timing, running a different pace and, crucially, eating stodge. If I hadn’t had done the difference who knows whether I’d have found the self-belief to get excited about next year’s half marathon? Maybe I’ll do one before then now I’ve discovered ‘easy’ running.

I wonder how many times a day we miss the opportunity to get a different, better result in our lives because we stick with what we’ve always done? What could the ‘difference’ be in your life today, this week, next week?

I’m not saying go eat pizza and start running (though it sounds like a bloody good combo to me), I’m saying give yourself a chance to learn, to excel, to be free and to discover something new by doing something different. I knew pizza was good but I didn’t know it was this good.

Life: Boll*cks to Perfectionism!

2010-03-20T19:07:00.000Z

What a blast it was to chat on about being a GEM (a 'Good Enough Mother') live on stage at The Vitality Show yesterday. The mums seemed to love the quotes from real mothers on what it means to be 'good enough.' I think it gave themm permission to go easy on themselves when I dished the dirt on how other women do it. A show of hands in the audience revealed a shocking amount of t-towel and bed linen ironing going on across the UK and beds getting changed every week. What's all that then? What about the bed bugs trying to make a home? And the environmental impact? I've given up trying to get to the bottom of our laundry basket too, reasoning that I should (and do) have better things to do than strive for emptyness (except for 60 minutes once a week in a yoga class which is very worthwhile I grant you).

LIFE: Twitter

2010-02-07T17:58:00.000Z

I've gone tweeting instead of blogging of late. That and immersing myself in writing my first book, Mothers Work. If you're a working mum I'd love to know how the back-to-work experience is for you. Join in at http://motherswork.wordpress.com and come tweet with me - 'jesschivers'.

MONTHLY MIND MOVER - Grit & Grey

2010-01-07T12:14:00.001Z

Aloha! Welcome, welcome. How are you? Apologies for the depressive sounding title for this month's mailing. It's a reflection of my theme for the year. Hmm, that doesn't sound much better does it? Let me explain and hopefully I'll inspire you to develop your own theme for 2010.

This time last year I shared with you my passion for 'DSD' not' NYR' ('Do Something Different' v New Year Resolutions). And so with DSD being my theme for 2009 I had a week of not spending; a week of random acts of kindness and we produced a film for our friends instead of sending Christmas cards and watched the favourite films of people we respect and admire. There was much, much more as well. It was fun, it was interesting and I learned things about myself and others. You can read about my experiences under a number of the 'Life' posts on my 'blog.

Building on what I wrote in last month's Here's a Thought mailing (about all or nothing/black and white thinking) I decided a good personal stretch for me would be to try and see more 'grey' in the world. I don't mean that I shall take off my rosy spectacles or that I intend to go looking for gloom but that I'm going to try and see more options, especially when it comes to personal challenges.

For instance, I have always been put off doing a half marathon (despite my husband and others repeatedly telling me I could do one tomorrow) because I fear I would not be able to keep running all the way. It hadn't occured to me (until I adopted my grey mindset) that it would be OK to walk part of the way if I needed to and the goal could be just to get round the course, not to do it in a personally brilliant time. I will add as a disclaimer that this doesn't mean I am necessarily doing a half marathon* any time soon because - and this brings me to the 'grit' part of my theme for 2010 - I have another personal challenge aready this year which is to complete my first book, Mothers Work.

'Grit' is a personal strength I began to read about last year after hearing Professor Martin Seligman (the psychologist credited with starting the positive psychology movement) talk in London. I recognise I really do need up to strengthen my perserverance or 'grit' muscle if I am to complete my book and get it published. If you are curious, you can take Prof Seligman's grit survey (it is free, although you need to register).

So there it is, "Grit & Grey" the theme for my year. Sounds a bit more inspiring now I've explained it? What might your theme be? Why not try choosing something that synchronises with a goal you'd like to achieve? Or pick something that might help strengthen a relationship with a particular person or people?

*I have tentative plans to do my first triatholon in St Albans in June if anyone fancies joining me. Might commit to a half marathon after the book.

What are you taking away this month?
Theming your year could help you weave personal development into your life every day. Or it might just be fun.

PSYCHOLOGY/LIFE: Frugality & Gift Giving

2009-12-14T10:47:00.003Z

Friend Professor Karen Pine, has been researching the psychology of gift-giving and she's found amongst other things that a tell-tale sign of someone not liking our gift choice is their moving the object out of sight. We just can't bare to look at bad presents apparently. Took Mr Chivers for part of his Christmas present yesterday which was Tim Harford's School of Life sermon on frugality. How very reassuring to listen to Tim telling us about why not to bother writing Christmas cards, or at least not the kind of Christmas cards people usually send. Well what's the point unless you personalise - think about it, do you like receiving Christmas cards that simply have a name in it? He took the mickey out of the few of us (I raised my hand) that send a 'newsletter' with our cards but then admitted he does the same and actually it's because people do like receiving them. Another a bit of research I've heard bandied about quite a bit at the moment is the 20% value gap when we give gifts. Apparently on average people rate gifts as worth (in financial terms) only 80% of what the buyer paid for them. Time Harford shared this little nugget too and went on to discuss why we should and shouldn't bother giving gifts. Personally I find the psychology of gift giving very interesting. Whether we find it easy or very difficult to buy a gift for someone I think says an awful lot about our relationship with them. I think it can be a useful barometer of a relationship and whether we want our need to invest more time in it rather than invest more time agonising over what to buy the person in question.

PSYCHOLOGY: Making Change Fun

2009-11-18T13:09:00.000Z

How's about encouraging people to change their behaviour by making it fun in the moment? 66% more people took the stairs over the escalator when the stairs were turned into a giant piano. - watch "Escada Piano" on YouTube (less than 2 mins view time). This is real world psychology at it's best. What if we could all make the changes we most want or need to make in our lives, more fun? What do you need to change?

Whilst you're on YouTube, check out my latest film about having fun and being happy - "Jessica Chivers with Rock Choir"

PSYCHOLOGY: Body Image Shocker

2009-11-05T10:03:00.000Z

Thumbing through the London Evening Standard on Tuesday night was cheered by header "London girls happy with their body image." Thought the use of 'girls' was probably akin to my use of 'girls' in mass e-mails to my thirty and forty-something pals. Was then appalled to discover girls as young as seven had been surveyed by the Girl Guides (as part of its centenary celebrations no less) on how they feel about their bodies. What an absolute disgrace. The Girl Guides should know better, and if they don't who does? If there's one way to get girls thinking about how they feel about their bodies it's to sew the seed that it's something they should be thinking about. At seven girls shouldn't have 'feelings' about their bodies. It's just plain wrong. Am I supposed to be happy that "...almost one third said they were 'very happy' with the way they looked, against 20 percent nationally." Well I'm not. I've got a one year old daughter who'll be seven before I know it and I absolutely don't want anyone surveying her feelings about her body. And what about the other two thirds? How do they feel about their bodies. Let's leave body image alone because chances are, if we stop talking about it in such a mass-market way, some of the issues might go away of their own accord. As Elle "The Body" MacPherson commented recently "When I'm obsessing about the outside it means I'm unhappy on the inside. I've learnt you can't fix the way you feel by fixing the shell." I applaud her honesty. Do check out the good work done by b-eat.

PSYCHOLOGY: Happy Mothers

2009-10-28T20:19:00.001Z

Not content with 'blogging I've taken to broadcasting myself too (check out "Happy Mothers" on YouTube). There is so much interesting positive psychology out there that I felt it was time to take little nuggets to the world in more than one way. I've started by discussing the idea that mothers need to prioritise their own happiness as it is essential for a happy family. Research back in the 80's suggested that mothers who express positive emotions, have infants who express positive emotions (Haviland and Lelwica) and we know that happier people have more pleasurable and more successful social interactions than less happy people. It's also recognised scientifically and anecdotally that when we feel good, we do good - we have more to give other people when we feel engaged and content.

PSYCHOLOGY/LIFE: Life X3

2009-10-20T08:53:00.000+01:00

Went to a play called "Life X3" (Abbey Theatre, St Albans) last night which brought to life an idea that often crops up when I'm coaching, namely that our behaviour shapes other people's behaviour. Examining other people's responses and attitudes in light of our actions and attitudes can be enlightening - if we're open to it. Life X3 portrayed two middle-class couples living in Paris having a dinner party that wasn't supposed to happen until the following evening. The hosts were mid-row (owing to their six year old son not settling down to sleep and parents disagreeing about how best to remedy this) when the second couple rang the doorbell. Social anxieties played out in three different versions of events and each time subtle positive changes came about in the behaviour of each person thanks to the other characters behaving more generously or supportively. The play also highlighted what difference it makes when parents team-up, support each other and present a united front to their children. The Army said it best - "The Team Works."

PSYCHOLOGY: Deprioritise the news

2009-10-06T14:32:00.001+01:00

Do you read a national daily paper? Watch or listen to the news? Follow news streaming on t'internet? Well, maybe for a week, don't bother. And notice what it does for you. At the annual British Adacdemy/British Psychological Society lecture on Tuesday night a question from the audience to Martin Seligman (giver of lecture, "Father of positive psychology") asked whether national news coverage should include positive stories to redress the balance of bad news. Seligman replied without hesitation that he doesn't believe in media manipulation. Then followed a discussion about how readily available bad news is and how we hear it constantly owing to living in a global village. I genuinely believe that by not reading a daily paper, avoiding news on TV and switching from any other radio station to BBC Radio 1 on the hour (it is one of the few stations that doesn't play news on the hour)we are doing a good thing for our mental health and we become no less ignorant for it. News somehow gets inside us without having to pay particular attention anyway. I remember Joanna Lumley talking in that uber sexy voice of hers about the lack of news during her 'Girl Friday' experience as one of the most positive aspects of her time marooned on the island.

So why is news so bad for us? It gives a skewed impression of what life is like, paying way too much attention to the negative events that can occur in life. Thanks to national and international news it could be easy to believe that rape, murder and natural catastrophes, for instance, are something that all of us are likely to experience within our local circle of friends and family. In reality, these things are very unlikely to happen to us. Secondly, bad news makes us feel helpless because we can't do anything to alleviate the suffering of the people whose stories we hear. If you're going to read a paper, far better to make it your local freebie rag than anything else. The reporting is more balanced and we're mote likely to be able to help do something about the unhappy stories we read.

MONTHLY MIND MOVER: Rust Busting

2009-10-05T14:53:00.000+01:00

“I’m starting work next week and I’m really scared. I know in my heart I’m a good teacher but I feel so rusty,” confided Lucy this week. And she’s not alone, who hasn’t felt a bit worried or even sick at the thought of going back to work – or doing anything that puts our ego on the line - when it’s been a while?

In the run up to my first corporate workshop after my son was born I remember spending too much time thinking and agonising about it, and on the day, feeling like an impostor. It probably didn’t help that my mind was full of doubt, and swimming with thoughts of embarrassing myself and ‘what if I don’t know what to say’ scenarios. Probably a lot like Lucy and maybe you at some point in your life? Yes, even the most ‘sorted’ women experience this. It’s NORMAL!

I googled “getting rid of rust” to check the chemistry and ease of rust removal before I started drawing parallels between smelly orange metal stuff and the mental ‘rust’ I’m chatting on about and happily found that iron oxide removal is indeed relatively straight-forward. I know you’re a bright woman but let me say it anyway: Just like metal rust, removing our mental rust needn’t be too difficult. We’re off to an encouraging start, yes?

Albert Ellis, the revered psychologist generally acknowledged as the founder of cognitive-behavioural therapies - and in particular, ‘rational emotive therapy’ - developed a useful tool for mental rust-busting niftily remembered as ‘ABC’. Lots of models from psychotherapy are useful to ‘normal’ or non-clinical populations in our every day lives. ABC = Activating event, Belief, emotional Consequence.

In Ellis’ terms, Lucy’s feeling scared came in response (emotional Consequence) to her thinking that she had been out of the classroom too long to know what she was doing (Belief) and that thought was uppermost in her mind because she’s about to go back to work (Activating event). Essentially, what Ellis is saying is that our beliefs shape how we feel and crucially, we can change those beliefs to change how we feel. What do you think? Is there somewhere you could use that in your life right now? At work? In a relationship? To feel more confident about committing to an idea you’d like to put into action? To help you through a period of change?

When Lucy amended her belief to incorporate the idea that being out of the classroom had given her other useful skills and a fresh perspective, her emotional consequence was to feel more optimistic and sure of herself. She even began to imagine her first encounter with the pupils as enjoyable.

Other things Lucy and I talked about included the idea that rust quickly shifts once you get going and like riding a bike, she might feel a bit wobbly and off-balance to begin with, but she’d soon feel steady and able. We talked about the future and what she might do differently if there was a ‘next time'.’ We came up with ideas such as keeping in better touch with role-models (other teachers doing a good job with good experiences to share); finding ways to use her classroom skills outside school and maintaining contact with young people the age she currently teaches. All these things would lessen the sense of rust and help her feel more positive and happy about going back to the classroom.

What are you taking away this month?
Examining your thoughts and your self-talk and making small changes where necessary can help you feel more positive, self-assured and confident about any new endeavours or 'comebacks' you might want to make in your life. See the "PSYCHOLOGY: Positive Self-Statements" posting on this 'blog (September 16th 2009) for more on the psychology of self-talk.

LIFE: Singing boosts happiness II

2009-10-04T14:10:00.000+01:00

Third week of Rock Choir and my voice hangs in the balance and I'm seriously concerned I'm going to be the token muppet who stands out for all the wrong reasons when we go public in November. Now I thought I was going to be singing on a Thursday night, turns out we're 'performing' and that means moving our bodies and clicking our fingers as well as learning harmonies. Blooming Nora, no way, I thought but managed to hold my tongue and not admit defeat aloud. But when I woke with a shockingly sore throat at 1.20am this morning the thought of (not) being able to sing the alto harmony to "You can't hurry love" and move my body in desired direction and click my fingers on the off-beat was uppermost in my mind. Nooooooooooooo.

PSYCHOLOGY/LIFE: Singing Boosts Happiness

2009-09-22T15:15:00.001+01:00

I quoted a piece of research in my lastest article for SHE magazine ("Happiness is not a handbag", October edition, p87-88) about the positive impact of music and singing on mood and immunity, which I've started aplying more formally in my own life. As a youngster I sang in a school choir until I was 14 - and then opted for netball and hockey in my lunchtimes instead - but never gave up the love of singing and so it is I've started singing with Rock Choir on Thursday nights in Hertfordshire. My first session last week was absolutely brilliant. The leader, Abby, is the most warm, enthusiastic and welcoming lady and what makes the choir so brilliant is that you don't have to be able to sing to be part of it. I am totally enamoured and hope Rock Choir spreads throughout the UK and I can encourage all clients to give it a go if boosting their mental wellbeing, happiness or social life is on their agenda.

An American singing group, Senior Singers Chorale, have been of interest to an American psychiatrist, Gene Cohen, who found that compared with a control group of the same age, the singers visit their doctotrs less frequently, suffer less depression, use less medication and have more full social lives. So singing is a great health booster and tonic for ageing well. Let's hope Rock Choir continues as long as I do.

PSYCHOLOGY: Positive Self-Statements

2009-09-16T13:00:00.001+01:00

Show me a much publicised self-development guru who hasn't at some point espoused the benefits of positive mantras and I'll show you a woman who's got that elusive life-balance thing sorted. Hmmm, can't think of one? Neither can I. Well positive mantras are old hat when it comes to people who probably need them the most. Research by Canadian psychologists published in Psychological Science earlier this year found that people with low self-esteem who repeated a positive self-statement ("I'm a loveable person") or who focussed on how that statement was true felt worse than those who did not. It seems positive self-talk done in this way is only good for people who have good to high levels of self-esteem already. So should we wave away the word-wand altogether? I don't think so. Let me explain. My take out from the research is that the problem lies in the perecived truth/untruth of the statement. People with low self-esteem may recoil from such overtly positive statements because they perecive them to be untrue. If we were to tone down the statement to "I could be loved by someone" for example, it may be easier to accept and believe. It may also be worth the individual who wishes to raise his or her self-esteem to spend time trying to objectively review how negative statements (and positive statements they would like to hold about themselves) are true and untrue. Aiming for balanced thinking rather than all-out positive ra-ra-ra could be the answer. What do you think? Share your thoughts using the comment button.

LIFE: Maxi Mums

2009-09-16T12:18:00.000+01:00

Despite spending the night rolling round my bed with raging headache, sweats and delicate intestines I made it into London yesterday to do a series of radio interviews and a webcast. God knows how I managed it and thanks go to the pin-stripe- suited man who gave up his seat on the 0738 (you probably thought I'd had one too many the night before, but sadly no). Anyway, yesterday heard me spouting on about the rise of the 'maxi-mum', the new parent in the playground who's proudly outshining the polish of the'yummy mummy' of yester-economy. Who's got time, money and inclination to worry about personifying perfection these days? The maxi-mum is happy with her lot, does the best she can and recognises the benefit of looking 'good enough' at the school gates. She's earning cash to keep the household afloat and great at maximising value in the ways she spends her money and minutes. Thanks to Olay for conducting the consumer research that gave me opportunity to talk about the rise of this savvy group of mums (and for giving the world regenerist 30 second wrinkle filler). If I was mad for Robbie Williams I might still be glowing from the knowledge that where my bottom rested yesterday, so did his last week as he broadcast himself around the world.

LIFE: Oops

2009-08-25T14:23:00.005+01:00

Oh there's nothing like a spelling error in the subject header of an e-mail to 500 people to make you cringe and shrink into your shoulders is there? Well, I suppose there's a lot worse things happen at sea. And on the living room floor when your pre-schooler....no, better leave it there. And the daft thing is, I'd checked it four times in my usual anal way. Anyway....

I was in a meeting with PR guys this morning working on a campaign for one of their clients centred on motherhood. They were picking my professional brain and my 'mummy brain' too and because the Chair is pregnant I had to tread a fine line between honesty about what mothers might be thinking (for the sake of the campaign) and not making motherhood look too demanding/tricky/difficult (for the sake of the nearly first time mum). One of the stats from a survey they'd commissioned made me smile - out of cynicism or hope I'm not sure - which said that 79% of mothers feel under time pressure. Which of course leaves 21% of mothers not feeling that way. I am looking forward to getting to that stage and invite anyone of that 21% to come forward and give me and my clients some lessons. Or is the answer to get a grandma? I'm working on that too.

Monthly Mind-Mover -The 'F' Word:

2009-08-18T19:33:00.004+01:00

This post is a copy of my monthly mind-moving mailout and you can subscribe for free here.

Last week a friend of mine recounted a tale of bordeom-by-powerpoint by a chap who claims to know a thing or two about body language (how ironic then that he failed to respond to the crossed arms and glazed eyes). When said friend compared notes with other colleagues all agreed the presenter needed to up his game, especially since the meeting equated to 25 (lost?) business hours. "So what did you do?" I asked my friend. "I gave him feedback" she said with a strained look on her face.

This month then, six suggestions about how to handle those can-be-awkward conversations (and a request to help with some coaching research, too).

GIVING feedback

1. If you cringe at the thought of saying 'feedback,' release the grimace and reach for your thesaurus. Don't let the 'f' word get in the way of letting someone know how they could be doing something better/differently, especially if the commercial/emotional stakes are high.

2. Stand in their shoes before doling out constructive feedback. Amongst other things this means getting the timing right, doing it in a way they're likely to be comfortable with and just trying to see the world from their POV. Clients who've done this before opening their mouths say it makes a difference to the tone, content and outcome of their conversations.

3. Take some responsibility for helping the person you're giving feedback to (be they a new member of your team who's slow to get the hang of 'how we do things round here', a waitress serving under-par food in your favourite restaurant or a partner who doesn't seem to listen to what you say) make things better. People are far more likely to change if you describe positive possibilities ("Just think how much better things would be if XXXX" or "Imagine what could happen if XXX") rather than just bang on about what they did that you didn't like. If you've got the time and inclination to give them a hand in making a change then do it.

RECEIVING feedback

4. I once worked with a chap who headed up the customer relations team of a large retail organisation and he likened complaints to gifts. Without digressing into jokes about birthday and Christmas celebrations at his house, his logic goes something like this. If a customer bothers to tell you they don't like something - and better still, has some ideas of what you should be doing instead - then you're barmy not to thank them because that's invaluable free info you can use to develop your business for the better. Many customers vote with their feet and never bother to verbalise what they don't like, so if someone takes the time to give us feedback then, we probably want to thank them for it.

5. Be ready to listen, especially if you asked for feedback (360 degree feedback anyone?). A case in point is the perpetual "Is everything OK with your meal?" patter we get in most restaurants these days followed almost always by an awkard pause and dumb-founded look if you come back with anything more detailed than "yes, fine thanks."

6. Dig deeper to understand properly. If you're unsure what they mean, ask for examples. If you disagree, think before you respond, especially if the relationship is important.

What are you taking away this month?
Whatever you call it 'feedback' is an important part of any relationship. GIve it with the best possible intentions and it becomes easier and more comfortable for both of you. Recommended reading: Chapter called 'My honest opinion' in Wake Your Mind Up by The Mind Gym.

LIFE: Rebel

2009-08-11T17:21:00.004+01:00

What do you get if you don't watch telly for months and then you make it an imperative that you don't watch telly for a week? A woman who decides the only thing she wants to do with her Monday night is watch telly, that's what. So, disregarding the fact that we are supposedly on our eighth 'Do Something Different' challenge (no TV for a week) I watched University Challenge. Rebel or what? I think what I've proved here is something I often talk with clients about: the importance of framing goals positively (moving towards something rather than away from something) and choosing carefully what you focus on. If I ask you not to think about pink elephants what are you thinking about now? Our brains are clever beasties and there's a particularly clever clump of cells called the Reticular Activation System that's responsible for us attending to and noticing things in the outside world that are on our minds (a bit like noticing pregnant women everywhere once you've decide you want a baby). And along with the TV came cake and chocolate biscuits, again falling in line with research that's shown overweight people tend to watch more TV than slimmies. Is there no end to me as a lab rat?

I'm conducting some research into what's on other women's minds at the moment and their views on coaching. If you would like to be involved (just 7 minutes to comeplete a survey) that would be great.

Read Yourself Happy

2009-07-14T18:23:00.003+01:00

My latest monthly mailing got picked up by Rin Simpson at The Western Mail (a Welsh publication) and included in her print and online feature Read Yourself Happy. What a thrill! I've got my first feature due out in a UK women's glossy later in the year so I'm floating on a cloud of lovely words at the moment.

PSYCHOLOGY: Psychological effects of fiction

2009-07-07T11:11:00.011+01:00

I've been reading some recent academic papers by Keith Oatley, a psychologist studying the effects of fictional literature on its reader. It is absolutely fascinating so I made it my coaching mailout this month (read it on my website). Oatley's not the first to explore the empathy enhancing effects of fiction; in the 70s researchers explored the impact of fiction on five year olds' attitudes towards stereotypes for womens' occupations. As my son is growing up fast, it's no wonder I'm interested (although I'm yet to be asked what I do when he goes to the childminders and nursery. Perhaps this is a bad thing? Does he think I just cook and clean and therefore the question would never occur to him?)

Back to Oatley. He writes:

"Flerx, Fidler and Rogers (1976) tested five-year-olds who either had fictional stories read to them, or they watched fictional films, that depicted either egalitarian sex roles or more traditional non-egalitarian sex roles. As compared to those exposed to the more traditional material, children exposed to the egalitarian material, showed more egalitarian responses on tests of stereotypes for women's occupations immediately after the material was presented. A week later, despite some reduction, the effect persisted. These results indicate an improved capacity to empathise with a margenalised group and we regard this kind of study as an instance of persuassion by means of narrative."

Taking this research and applying it to the real world I'm now questioning the place of The Tiger Who Came to Tea on our bookshelves. Unless of course I want my son growing up to believe sitting round having afternoon tea and cooking dinner for daddy is the best way for a woman to spend her time? I mean, he sees this in action in our house anyway so does he need it reinforced in a book? Ha ha ha. At least I get my son joining in the making of dinner for daddy!

I am currently having a DSD week with my husband reading Cormac McCarthy's The Road together. We've never read the same novel simultaneously and I'm wondering how the same narrative is affecting us differently? It's both a harrowing and heart-warming read about a father and son in a post apopcalyptic world and I have put my husband and son's faces on the characters which adds to the depth of emotion I am feeling whilst reading. As in yoga when we use counter-poses I think I'll have to move to something lighter or perhaps a non-fiction next. Edward de Bono's Think! Before It's Too Late has caught my eye, although Anne Patchett's Bel Canto is waiting for me at the library...

PSYCHOLOGY: Reframing

2009-06-30T08:54:00.005+01:00

Psychology is a fascinating subject and I love bringing it to life for people with real world examples. Otherwise what's the point? Last week I went into a UK financial institution and coached several groups on the art of 'courageous conversations' (giving feedback to their managers, speaking up when something's not right, challenging accepted ways of doing things etc). A key part of successful conversations of this nature, as with many human-human interactions, is being able to see the world from the other person's perspective and being able to exercise 'unconditional positive regard' (a term associated with Carl Rogers, a founder of the humanistic movement which essentially says it's helpful if we seek to see people in the best light possible).

Aaron Beck, a psychiatrist famed for the development of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, gave us another tool which can help us interpret people and their behaviour in a positive way: reframing.

I talked through these ideas using a personal story not at all related to their work in finance (but that's the power of story - and it made them laugh and lighten up) but about life as a parent with a preschooler learning how (not) to share. So here's the story of how I missed the opportunity to have generous positive regard and reframe the behaviour of another mother.

My ever inquisitive, gregarious son who's nearly three decided he'd like to check out another kid's scooter parked at a picnic bench near ours in the park. I watch him approach and lug my not-so-light-anymore baby daughter over with me to smooth the situation with the po-faced grandmother and mother of scooter owner. To cut a long story short the grandmother told him in no uncertain terms that it wasn't for him to play on and when I mentioned me working on teaching my son to share the mother told me not to tell her how to bring her kids up. Whoah, back up there lady I thought. If only I'd kept it to a thought. Can't remember my actual words but something along the lines of not needing to come on so strong and a gentle reminder that my son is not yet 3. Isn't curiosity to be expected of them at this age? Perhaps her son is too dull to think about exploring other people's stuff without mummy by his side. Oooh, I can feel the red mist coming down again! Calm down Mrs Chivers.

So the point of my story? If I'd chosen to reframe her behaviour as I coach people to do(imagine as many different ways possible to reinterpret her behaviour until I came up with an alternative that didn't cause me to get het up - like her husband having just died or her having just lost her job or going through cold turkey after coming off methodone - not that it was that sort of park you understand) then I wouldn't have spent the next two hours mulling it over, telling anyone who'd listen how I'd been wronged and making that my welcome home speech when my husband walked in the door. Then again, it did make a great story for my coachees.

PSYCHOLOGY: Mental Capital & Wellbeing

2009-05-26T08:38:00.006+01:00

The Government Office for Science published a report last year, "Mental Capital and Wellbeing: Making the most of ourselves in the 21st century" a culmination of two years worth of research by well-respected psychologists such as Cary Cooper among others. By commissioning the project and publishing the report the Government recognises its key role in helping each of us 'flourish'. The report is a massive 317 pages long and one tiny snippet I like is the equivalent of "5 Fruit & Veg a day" to build our mental capital:

1. Connect… With the people around you. With family, friends, colleagues and neighbours. At home, work, school or in your local community. Think of these as the cornerstones of your life and invest time in developing them.Building these connections will support and enrich you every day.

2. Be active… Go for a walk or run. Step outside. Cycle. Play a game. Garden. Dance. Exercising makes you feel good. Most importantly, discover a physical activity you enjoy and that suits your level of mobility and fitness.

3. Take notice… Be curious. Catch sight of the beautiful. Remark on the unusual. Notice the changing seasons. Savour the moment, whether you are walking to work, eating lunch or talking to friends. Be aware of the world around you and what you are feeling. Reflecting on your experiences will help you appreciate what matters to you.

4. Keep learning… Try something new. Rediscover an old interest. Sign up for that course. Take on a different responsibility at work. Fix a bike. Learn to play an instrument or how to cook your favourite food. Set a challenge you enjoy achieving. Learning new things will make you more confident as well as being fun.

5. Give … Do something nice for a friend, or a stranger. Thank someone. Smile. Volunteer your time. Join a community group. Look out, as well as in. Seeing yourself, and your happiness, as linked to the wider community can be incredibly rewarding and creates connections with the people around you.

Mystery Birthday Present

2009-05-09T20:32:00.004+01:00

A truly munificent friend took me out for a mystery day of fun today (her birthday present to me). She's the most thoughtful, inspiring, interesting and interested person so needless to say it was top banana. Before the day had even begun it was a thrill to know I was being taken care of and entertained without having to do any of thinking, planning or prep. A wonderful and rare thing! (Admittedly I'd already prepared a packed lunch for children and husband to take to the zoo before I left the house).

She began by giving me an envelope contining postacrd clues to what we were going to get up to, the theme for the day being 'doing something different.' The highlight was a bibliotherapy session at The School of Life with Ella Berthoud (fabulous artist as well as knowing her books), although having a whole day in my friend's company was the most special aspect. We always have so much to say, so many ideas to exchange and discuss and we come away buoyed from being with the other. Having talked about shaping our worlds, lessening our tendency to be people pleasers and accepting rules I sneaked a brief lie-down on Sigmund Freud's couch which was clearly labelled DO NOT TOUCH and NO PHOTOGRAPHY(displayed in the Madness & Modernity: Mental Illness and the visual arts in Vienna 1900 exhibition at Wellcome Collection). Of course we took a picture. What would Sigmund say?

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

2009-05-07T20:20:00.000+01:00

I've been commissioned to write a feature for SHE magazine and it gave me the opportunity to drop a line to a rather groovily named Hungarian psychologist, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (pronounced Me-hi Cheek-sent-me-hi) asking for a quote. He's 'famous' for his contribution to the 'positive' branch of psychology and I read one of his books years ago - "Flow: The classic work on how to achieve happiness". To my amazement and delight he mailed straight back with a quote and I have to say, it was a thrill. Am I nerd of what?

I've just finished Kate Atkinson's latest novel, "When will there be good news" which was as much a page turner as her other two featuring Jackson Brodie. Not quite as gripping as Sophie Hannah's "The Point of Rescue" but close. Thoroughly recommend both. I read a feature by Sophie Hannah in a recent edition of SHE magazine (on feeling smothered by motherhood)and was compelled to write in commenting on how impressed I was by her honesty. Blooming marevllous it is to hear people say what they really think and feel.

DSD Weeks 3&4

2009-04-17T20:28:00.007+01:00

Husband has declared he has too many other projects on the go to partake of this month's DSD (see January 2nd posting on 'Do Something Different' challenges), so it's just me focussing on community spirit for the next seven days. He makes a good point that with just two hours spare after the babies are in bed, you really have to spend it on what you want. Fair play to him. I think he'll be back on board next month though. At least I hope he is given the nature of the something different. Knowing that community was the theme for April I answered the plight of a local playgroup organiser who's about to hang up her keys and move out of the area with no one ready to take up the reins. I just couldn't bare to see it fold knowing from experience that it's much harder to get something going than keep it going. A bit like plate spinning I expect, ha ha ha.

I think I need a new word to decsribe my busyness though. 'Busy' just doesn't cut it. I have taken multi-tasking to a whole new level. I found myself folding just-laundered-washing whilst I was stationary at the traffic lights this lunchtime. I wonder if that's illegal? Am I mad? Paradoxically, I've morphed into some new uber chilled mummy this week as a way to improve number 1 child's typical toddler behaviour. And it's worked. I think that's why I've gone into hyperdrive when I'm not with him - I've got to catch up on everything that needs doing. He's been an absolute delight and I'm totally in love with him. Attention, interest and slowness seem to work wonders - thanks all the ladies on the NCT forum who shared their stories and tips with me. That's community spirit if ever I saw it. Anyway, back to DSDs. Week 3 was "Go Veggie" (in March) and that passed off easily and successfully. At least it did if you count fish as veggie? A friend told me my DSDs had inspired her and her husband to try a new recipe every week and that made me feel good. There's nothing like moving other people's minds.

Finally, Giles Coren (straight-talking food critic for The Times, chum of Gordon Ramsey I think) has been entertaining me on Radio 4's "Any Questions" this evening whilst I type (must nock this multi-tasking on the head). He's top of my fantasy dinner party guest list and the guy is an absolute scream. Check this out for a passionate rant.

No Limits

2009-04-09T13:04:00.004+01:00

I am coaching a most amazing woman at the moment (exceptionally self aware, determined, strong and emotonally intelligent) and an e-mail from her to me recently was too powerful not to share. So here, with her permission, is a short piece about bashing barriers out the way and doing something difficult:

Hi Jessica

Whilst swimmimg this afternoon I was thinking about the question of "limits".... I came to the conclusion that I don't really believe that there are many genuine ones. There are a few limits set out by nature for instance altitude which to some extent you can train for and to some extent there will be a genetic advantage/disadvantage. I do believe that I could do anything if I set my mind to doing it...and I also believe that goes for anybody. If a man who is told he will never walk or talk again, the boxer Michael Watson, can go on to complete the London marathon in a week. If an 80 year old woman can do Ironman triathlon. If a man who is paralysed from the neck down can climb a mountain using his arms, along with the many other things that Marc Heremans has achieved as a paralysed athlete. If a 65 year old man can pull his 40year old disabled son in a rubber dinghy around a 2.4 mile sea swim, sit him on the front of his bike and cycle a 112 mile course and then run the 26.2 mile marathon pushing him in a buggy.....with all of that surely the only real limits are those we may put on ourselves!!!!

I think a big factor in achieving seemingly distant or unachievable goals is being able to push past your comfort zone. Recognising that whatever discomfort you may feel it will be temporary. I have often in my endeavours and indeed in life used the memory of a past painful or challenging experience to remind myself of my strength. Similarly if I am going through something difficult I try and focus on it in such a way that allows me to bottle it almost like a remedy, to use at a later date when I am struggling. For instance when I recently had an abcess under one of my teeth, which was excrutiatingly painful, I tried to think about how it would make me stronger and that it would put extra reserves in my tank ready to be used when I need them. I think most people do not tap into those reserves that they may have, often not recognising what they have got themselves through in the past...and dismissing the idea that they could achieve a certain goal because it seems out of their league....

There were lots more thoughts during my hour and a half in the pool!!!!

She's incredible and she's going to be doing her umpteenth Iron Man competition in Lanzarote in May. She inspires me and my running to say the least.

Finding Time

2009-04-04T08:45:00.004+01:00

I went away for a few days recently (without children) to celebrate my 30th birthday and when I came back I landed with not so much a bump as a shock. And this isn’t the aircraft I’m talking about. No, it was the feeling that I didn’t know how on earth to get back into doing all the things I do and giving all that I give. It prompted me to send out a brief note to many mothers I know telling them just what a fantastic job they do every day without pay and little thanks. When discussing my experience with a friend we talked about needing to fill our own reserves up before we can give to others. She sent me a little quote: "When we connect with our own energy we are more open to the energy of other people. The more alive we feel the more we can contribute to the lives of others."

Another friend is doing a parenting course and they'd recently been covering the same thing; this idea that we have to take something back for all that we give. Anyway, I have to laugh about not feeling like I have enough time for myself because no one's going to find the time for me, it's up to me. Life is full of choices and if I decide it's more important to be comparing the Oftsed reports of two local nurseries at 9.30pm at night instead of cracking on with Rose Tremain's acclaimed "The Road Home" then more fool me.

My husband said the nursery decision was a no-brainer and no Ofsted reading required. He was right as it turns out. I do find him to be such a good decision maker, stripping out all the fluff and getting to the heart of the matter. Bless the man.

Happiness is not a handbag

2009-03-31T14:54:00.003+01:00

Oooh how exciting that the most shared story on the BBC online yesterday was none other than my mate Karen's research into women, emotions and spending. I played a bit part collecting and analysing data and what a thrill it is to see research moving women's minds because it's out in the public domain and not kept hidden in a journal or in some prof's satchel. Great! I was chatting to a (male) owner of an independent clothes shop in my town at the weekend and he said the fab spring weather made the women come out in droves. It seems when we feel good we shop good. Or maybe there was just a premenstrual hormonal surge in St Albans that week? I know when I feel good and the sun shines I want to buy everyone presents (and a little self gifting too). I was speaking at The Vitality Show on Thursday giving a talk I called "Happiness is not a handbag" which is ironic given all the shopping opportunities they had down there. The PR team and exhibition company did a great job putting the show together and I really enjoyed having a very funny impromptu ski and yoga session on a wii. The things modern technology allows you to do is incredible. My talk followed Rosemary Connoly and I have to say she's an absolute slip of a woman and knows exactly how to tell people what's good for them. I was rather impressed with her forthrightness and wondered whether that's what people like. I don't take that approach as a coach but think it definitely has merit. Perhaps I could do with her as a fitness instructor to get me to stop procrastinating about if/when I'll do a half marathon. Might have to think a bit more about that.

Psychology for All

2009-03-15T16:59:00.004Z

Yesterday I took my mind for a wander at the BPS "Psychology for All" conference in London and by golly what a cracking job they did at producing an engaging programme. Professor Richard Wiseman was a hoot with his 'psychology of luck' (University of Hertfordshire) and Nicky Rumsey's talk (from the Centre for Appearance Research, Bristol) on how psychologists are helping people who don't like their appearnce was very moving. I went along more for the style than the substance, given I've got my first public speaking outing in a while, in a fortnight. Professor Rumsey ran through some startling statistics about women's dissatisfaction with their bodies. She cited the work of Etcoff et al, 2006 who found that only 1:10 are free of concern re their weight/shape and that 25% of 15-64 year olds are actively considering cosmetic surgery. There were 32,000 private cosmetic treatments in the UK in 2007 and psychological screening of people undergoing such surgery is not mandatory. It's bonkers given that for a very large number of people, the desire for cosmetic surgery is rooted in a psychological issue and having the procedure doesn't solve it. Research by Sarwar in 2007 showed that people opting for cosmetic surgery tend to have lower self-esteem, lower confidence and unrealistic epectations of the outcome of surgery compared to people who haven't had or don't desire it. It's very difficult to compete with the marketing budget of the beauty industry and I'm not sure what the answer is. We could turn schools into wellbeing centres rather than academic institutions and teach programmes of self-esteem, how to be happy, what it is to be a good citizen, money management and a plethora of other valuable life skills that would make the world a better place for every individual and society as a whole. Hmmm.

The School of Life

2009-02-25T19:19:00.004Z

Margaret Mead's quip about a small group of people being the only thing that ever did change the world has been ringing in my ears of late. I'm not sure why, but as the latest "School of Life" newsletter pinged into my inbox this evening I sat for a moment and thought about all the amazing people that do bold things. Who risk trying something new. Who put their ideas into action and not just think them! The School of Life is an absolutely brilliant idea and I'd love to do all the courses they've got going on this spring. I'm also taking inspiration from a client who does extraordinary athletic feats and thinking about what she does made me work that little bit harder to up my running game at the weekend. I've made it to 10K. Hooray! Then I watched a traumatic documentary about a chap that attempted to be the first person to kayak from Australia to New Zealand and wondered when sporting endeavour has gone too far. I love stuff like this as it puts me on the edge of my seat and into a state of awe and amazement. I recently watched "Man on Wire" and that too was just incredible. "The White Spider" will be my holiday reading next week which is the tale of an extraordinary climbing endeavour on the Eiger. I can't get enough of the stuff and it fuels my dream of trekking to Everest Base Camp one day. A dream that became a little bit more real after a 'Dream Diary' evening with a couple of local ladies last night. I'm so pleased I went even though I was shattered. Honestly, it's a mighty challenge to get these bits of time to myself with two small children but when I get them, I really do make the most of it. Big shout out to all the mothers I know (and don't know) who keep finding time to go beyond domesticity to nurture and develop themselves. The washing up can wait!

DSD Week 2: Kindness II

2009-02-15T12:34:00.002Z

It's the end of the week and I'm pleased with what we've done, although nothing's been particularly random. We've made a rhubabrb cake and given it the ladies at our gym's creche; done all the ironing (a chore Nick usually does); paid for some of an old chap's shopping in Wilko's when he couldn't find enough change; taken a friend to lunch; made dinner for our childminder and family; let a very slow moving tractor pull out in front of me; taken flowers to a friend; visited some elderly neighbours from where we used to live; helped a novice user of the gym I go to; bought a book for a friend's child to explain his mother's burgeoning tummy; baked cakes for Nick's workmates; delivered food to a friend after her holiday; given sincere thanks to a harassed postman for all the hardwork him and the R/M do; cooked Sunday lunch for pals. Then there's been all the little things we always do - the smiles, chatting to elderly early morning walkers, opening doors, helping people with buggies etc.

DSD Week 2: Kindness

2009-02-10T07:49:00.003Z

It's day 2 of the second Team Chivers "Do Something Different" 2009 Challenge - a week of Random Acts of Kindness (the first was a week of no spend in January). Yesterday I was disappointed that I didn't come across more opportunities to be kind and I think a lot of what I did I would have done anyway, except maybe do all the ironing (one of Nick's chores) and think to buy the lovely park attendant a cup of coffee for all his efforts to clear the snow outside the gym. But that was a frustration in itself as I couldn't get safely to a cafe with a toddler on the loose next to a main road so I didn't. The thought was there though! I took cake into the ladies in the gym creche, opened plenty of doors and did lots of smiling. Today my big gesture is going to be to double up on our evening meal and leave half with our childminding team for their dinner this evening and also treat a friend to lunch. I think I need to drop the term 'random' for this week as my ideas aren't particularly.

February Coaching Newsletter: February Rocks!

2009-02-05T14:04:00.001Z

I don’t know about you but I’d rather skip February and march straight to spring. But as that’s not happening I’m wondering if you’ll join me in making Feb a month that rocks because we’re women finding time for ourselves? Let’s call it a four-week festival of me time, self-care and nurturing. And it starts with breakfast.

I am a self-confessed grouch if I don’t get to the majority of my breakfast in peace. To eat all of it in peace is an occasionally fulfilled fantasy when Nick is here to prevent interruption from our children. Probably only other mothers know how much I NEED those 20 minutes to eat alone. It’s small reward for the last two hours I’ve spent getting the house ready for the day and without it I resent any requests (demands?) that come from our son. Particularly ones that involve sharing my breakfast. I am not ashamed to admit that Tikkabilla (the current day’s equivalent of Playschool) goes on most days so I can savour my cereal and set myself up right for the day. If I get the P&Q to chew I’m buoyed enough to do good towards everyone else around me. (If you are nodding and smiling at this point I am pretty sure that you are a mother with small children. If you are sans kiddies you are probably switching off and thinking I need to get out a bit more. But stay with me, there’s a bigger point I’m driving at here).

The bottom line is, all of us need time and treats in order to function well, never mind to make life worth living. When we make time for ourselves to do even the simplest things, we feel good. We feel refreshed and more ready to give to others. I think because of this, it’s really important we strive to and succeed in having several moments to ourselves to do exactly what we want, the way we want it every single day. And although that can be tough in a demanding workplace or around demanding children, we can do it. We just have to make it a priority and to put boundaries in place.

By way of an example, in the last 7 days I’ve stopped doing domestic chores after 8pm; we’ve eaten out midweek; I’ve left the ironing for my husband to do; I got Sainsburys to deliver; I used the local leisure centre crèche twice and done tit-for-tat negotiation with my husband. This has meant I’ve breakfasted in peace a few times; been for a run, done the gym twice and sat in the sauna at our local pool; finished a completely gripping book and started another; listened to a new CD and had a leisurely bath. I’ve also had time to write, think and play with ideas. I’ve had time alone!

I wonder how that compares with you? I’d be really interested to know what floats your boat and how you make space in your busy life. I’m always learning from other people and I’ve got a new interactive blog where you can share and inspire me and others. If you’re a mother to very young children in particular you’ll find more inspiration in March’s Prima Baby magazine (big up to journalist Carol Dyce and her writing to help women lead quality, balanced lives) which has an article about creating time for yourself with a few thoughts from me thrown in.

More Kindness

2009-02-03T13:01:00.003Z

Whilst reading Christopher Peterson's thoughtful and engaging Primer of Positive Psychology, I came across a website to inspire us for this month's 'Do Something Different' challenge (random acts of kindness, 14-20th Feb). www.actsofkindness.org is a well put together resource to encourage all of us to be a little bit kinder and in a freak coincidence the site bills 9-15 February as RAOK Week...so I think we'll tie in with this instead. So far I haven't got beyond the idea of giving things away (baking, books left on benches etc) and opening doors and helping old ladies with their shopping so I think I need to work on my randomness. Perhaps once I get going I'll get more random?

Kindness

2009-02-02T19:03:00.004Z

We had friends for dinner at the weekend and were discussing the "Team Chivers" year of DSD challenges (Do Something Different). Having knocked the first one off (no spend for a week) we're fairly confident we can do the rest, although March's wartime rations is going to be a toughie. Or maybe not depending on how I'm doing at curbing the growth of my sweet tooth come sun down. So in a fortnight's time February's challenge is to focus on random acts of kindness for a week. This inspired our dinner pals to extend a hand of kindness to their elderly neighbours today (a difficult and pride-swallowing task given how much they've been costing them in planning application objections recently) and it makes me feel more than a little bit nice to know that I've rubbed off on someone in a positive way. And they rubbed off on me too in that I'm heeding their suggestion to re-read a favourite book (something I've never thought a particularly worthwhile thing to do) and we're going to incorporate their joint favourtite film into our November challenge. The book re-reading is interesting in that I will happily re-watch a favourite film or a CD but have always thought it odd to do it with a book. But as Kim pointed out, every time you read it you get soemthing new from it and the book becomes like a best friend. She reads Pride and Prejudice every year and I'm wondering what I might grow to have the same sort of affection for. Daphne Du Maurier's Rebecca maybe? Right now though I have the final 30 pages of No Time for Goodbye, a slice of carrot cake and a silent house to savour.

Cinema Sunday

2009-01-25T20:39:00.002Z

When your toddler decides he nolonger needs an afternoon nap and your baby wakes several times in the night, a Sunday afternoon at the cinema (to sleep?) is a perfect way to unwind. And knowing that the person who's looking after your kids is really enjoying herself is the cherry on the top. I tell you ladies, self-care is an essential part of motherhood. If you don't take care of your self (rest, relaxation, indulgences and little treats every day) then you can't take care of the family. So it was that we went off to see 'Slumdog Millionaire' - the 'feelgood' film of the moment. Although it was uplifting in many ways (triumph of human spirit in face of adversity...) it was also deeply distressing to understand what a life in the slums of India is like. It made me reflect on our social welfare system in the UK and also about what's missing here in the west. India seems - in my limited experience - full of colour, full of smiles and full of grafters. I think they could teach us a thing or two. It ties in nicely with a talk I'm writing at the moment for The Vitality Show about happiness.

No Spend, Accomplished!

2009-01-20T10:38:00.000Z

I've realised the more you set yourself a difficult challenge and accomplish it, the better equipped you feel to tackle other challenges (that may have no relation to the first). This isn't a new idea and one I'm sure Socrates or some such great thinker pondered long before me, but it's absolutely true. I'm thinking of my running efforts and my no-spend challenge in the last week (see posting on Friday 2nd Jan). On day 4 of the no spend 'DSD' I made myself proud with my longest run for well over a year. It wasn't my fastest time, but it was difficult (we now live on top of a hill!) and it was a stretching challenge and boy did I feel proud at the end of it. By finishing off the run and hitting my target despite jelly legs, I felt geed up to make sure Team Chivers accomplished the seven day no-spend goal. And we did. No weekend foodie treats, no Amazon orders (I am forever buying books), no cups of tea in the cafe in the park, no playgroup, no Saturday or Sunday papers. No spending whatsoever, save for a little top up shopping on Saturday which was allowed in 'the rules' (it was only a bit of salad so hardly a thrill...) and it even made us bring potty training forward as we ran out of nappies! The things that money can't buy, hey?

My Cousin Rachel

2009-01-06T09:00:00.000Z

Last January, being a lover of lists and planning, I did something very geeky (a lot like me) and that was to prepare a reading list. The intention was to make sure I got through a handful of books I've been vowing to make time for but had been displaced by the suggestions of friends and Psychologies magazine for the past two years. So with 100 pages left of my last book for 2008 (Daphne Du Maurier's 'My Cousin Rachel') I'm looking back at everything I've read. I didn't make myself stick at stuff I wasn't enjoying (my reading opportunities are way too short for that silliness) so What Mothers Do, The Ya Ya Sisterhood (Yawn Yawn Sisterhood?) and Quarantine didn't get ticked off. I tried and gave up on Dorris Lessing's The Golden Notebook too, but as that was not on my original list I needn't feel too bad. My favourites from the original list were Helen Dunmore's The Siege (my god that made me feel grateful for my life); Bill Bryson's Notes from a Small Island (outspoken wit I couldn't stop laughing and nodding along to) and Into Thin Air by John Krakauer (which has left me wanting to trek to Everest base camp). In addition to that lot I really recommend the following that I picked up during the year:- A Thousand Splendid Suns; The Point of Rescue; One Good Turn and The Post Birthday World. These come from terrific writers. So to 2009 and I'll be starting with The Almost Moon by Alice Seebold as soon as My Cousin Rachel has gone back to the library.

Doing Something Different

2009-01-02T09:00:00.002Z

I used to love new year's resolutions as an overweight teenager. Every year I would vow to stop biting my nails, lose weight and become attractive to the opposite sex. It seemed so easy and that there was some magic in the air in January that would make it happen all by itself just because it was a new year and a beautiful new calendar hung in my room. Then I grew up, used my head (changed my attitude, thought less about calories and more about nourishing my body and started running) and there's not been a fatty in sight for years. Anyway, I haven't done NYRs for a long time. This year Nick and I spent the time the children were asleep on New Year's day thinking up a load of different things we could do for one week every month to challenge ourselves and stir our routines up a bit (I am learning that when the kids are asleep I must not do housework and that sex, reading or just doing nothing is better. So with wifely duties achieved, ha ha ha, we had time to make lists...). The result is as follows:-

JANUARY, Spend nothing (except for food and fuel)
FEBRUARY, Random acts of kindness towards friends and strangers
MARCH, Wartime rations – investigation to be done
APRIL, Community service – litter picking and anything else that serves others near to us
MAY, More romance! More love! More sex!
JUNE, Bed at sunset, up at sunrise
JULY, Plant something or create something
AUGUST, No TV, do something less passive instead
SEPTEMBER, Vegetarian
OCTOBER, No swearing, learn new words (www.dictionary.com)
NOVEMBER, Watch someone’s favourite film every night – decide the 7 ‘someones’
DECEMBER, Phone a friend – connect through the phone, not e-mails

Please Yourself

2008-12-18T09:00:00.000Z

I feel like a whirling dervish. No scrap that, I feel like (am?) a maniac. Whirling dervishes are relaxed and contemplative. It's not Christmas that's turned me into a maniac, although that's enough to send anyone over the edge what with all the shopping, wrapping, listing, cleaning and and and. No, I have gone into hyper drive by trying to keep a toddler entertained, look after a baby, play at domestic goddess and continue with some interesting coaching/worky things. Gossard asked me to get involved with their "Please Yourself" campaign (about female masturbation habits - see the site and take part in the 'Big M' survey) and The Vitality Show have invited me to take an expert slot at next year's show and do some media work promoting it. All jolly good fun and right up my street but to achieve all this requires me to squeeze every last drop out of the day and be slightly manic. I wouldn't have it any other way though. As I said to someone yesterday, rather too busy than not enough to do. Being underworked is stressful you know. Joking aside, I know what's good for me and when enough is enough. Best friends and exercise never get marginalised. Neither does the toddler, he makes sure of that. As for the baby, she just watches with a knowing look in her eye. Happy Christmas one and all.