The Thinking Woman's Coach

PSYCHOLOGY/LIFE: Frugality & Gift Giving

2009-12-14T10:47:00.003Z

Friend Professor Karen Pine, has been researching the psychology of gift-giving and she's found amongst other things that a tell-tale sign of someone not liking our gift choice is their moving the object out of sight. We just can't bare to look at bad presents apparently. Took Mr Chivers for part of his Christmas present yesterday which was Tim Harford's School of Life sermon on frugality. How very reassuring to listen to Tim telling us about why not to bother writing Christmas cards, or at least not the kind of Christmas cards people usually send. Well what's the point unless you personalise - think about it, do you like receiving Christmas cards that simply have a name in it? He took the mickey out of the few of us (I raised my hand) that send a 'newsletter' with our cards but then admitted he does the same and actually it's because people do like receiving them. Another a bit of research I've heard bandied about quite a bit at the moment is the 20% value gap when we give gifts. Apparently on average people rate gifts as worth (in financial terms) only 80% of what the buyer paid for them. Time Harford shared this little nugget too and went on to discuss why we should and shouldn't bother giving gifts. Personally I find the psychology of gift giving very interesting. Whether we find it easy or very difficult to buy a gift for someone I think says an awful lot about our relationship with them. I think it can be a useful barometer of a relationship and whether we want our need to invest more time in it rather than invest more time agonising over what to buy the person in question.

PSYCHOLOGY: Making Change Fun

2009-11-18T13:09:00.000Z

How's about encouraging people to change their behaviour by making it fun in the moment? 66% more people took the stairs over the escalator when the stairs were turned into a giant piano. - watch "Escada Piano" on YouTube (less than 2 mins view time). This is real world psychology at it's best. What if we could all make the changes we most want or need to make in our lives, more fun? What do you need to change?

Whilst you're on YouTube, check out my latest film about having fun and being happy - "Jessica Chivers with Rock Choir"

PSYCHOLOGY: Body Image Shocker

2009-11-05T10:03:00.000Z

Thumbing through the London Evening Standard on Tuesday night was cheered by header "London girls happy with their body image." Thought the use of 'girls' was probably akin to my use of 'girls' in mass e-mails to my thirty and forty-something pals. Was then appalled to discover girls as young as seven had been surveyed by the Girl Guides (as part of its centenary celebrations no less) on how they feel about their bodies. What an absolute disgrace. The Girl Guides should know better, and if they don't who does? If there's one way to get girls thinking about how they feel about their bodies it's to sew the seed that it's something they should be thinking about. At seven girls shouldn't have 'feelings' about their bodies. It's just plain wrong. Am I supposed to be happy that "...almost one third said they were 'very happy' with the way they looked, against 20 percent nationally." Well I'm not. I've got a one year old daughter who'll be seven before I know it and I absolutely don't want anyone surveying her feelings about her body. And what about the other two thirds? How do they feel about their bodies. Let's leave body image alone because chances are, if we stop talking about it in such a mass-market way, some of the issues might go away of their own accord. As Elle "The Body" MacPherson commented recently "When I'm obsessing about the outside it means I'm unhappy on the inside. I've learnt you can't fix the way you feel by fixing the shell." I applaud her honesty. Do check out the good work done by b-eat.

PSYCHOLOGY: Happy Mothers

2009-10-28T20:19:00.001Z

Not content with 'blogging I've taken to broadcasting myself too (check out "Happy Mothers" on YouTube). There is so much interesting positive psychology out there that I felt it was time to take little nuggets to the world in more than one way. I've started by discussing the idea that mothers need to prioritise their own happiness as it is essential for a happy family. Research back in the 80's suggested that mothers who express positive emotions, have infants who express positive emotions (Haviland and Lelwica) and we know that happier people have more pleasurable and more successful social interactions than less happy people. It's also recognised scientifically and anecdotally that when we feel good, we do good - we have more to give other people when we feel engaged and content.

PSYCHOLOGY/LIFE: Life X3

2009-10-20T08:53:00.000+01:00

Went to a play called "Life X3" (Abbey Theatre, St Albans) last night which brought to life an idea that often crops up when I'm coaching, namely that our behaviour shapes other people's behaviour. Examining other people's responses and attitudes in light of our actions and attitudes can be enlightening - if we're open to it. Life X3 portrayed two middle-class couples living in Paris having a dinner party that wasn't supposed to happen until the following evening. The hosts were mid-row (owing to their six year old son not settling down to sleep and parents disagreeing about how best to remedy this) when the second couple rang the doorbell. Social anxieties played out in three different versions of events and each time subtle positive changes came about in the behaviour of each person thanks to the other characters behaving more generously or supportively. The play also highlighted what difference it makes when parents team-up, support each other and present a united front to their children. The Army said it best - "The Team Works."

PSYCHOLOGY: Deprioritise the news

2009-10-06T14:32:00.001+01:00

Do you read a national daily paper? Watch or listen to the news? Follow news streaming on t'internet? Well, maybe for a week, don't bother. And notice what it does for you. At the annual British Adacdemy/British Psychological Society lecture on Tuesday night a question from the audience to Martin Seligman (giver of lecture, "Father of positive psychology") asked whether national news coverage should include positive stories to redress the balance of bad news. Seligman replied without hesitation that he doesn't believe in media manipulation. Then followed a discussion about how readily available bad news is and how we hear it constantly owing to living in a global village. I genuinely believe that by not reading a daily paper, avoiding news on TV and switching from any other radio station to BBC Radio 1 on the hour (it is one of the few stations that doesn't play news on the hour)we are doing a good thing for our mental health and we become no less ignorant for it. News somehow gets inside us without having to pay particular attention anyway. I remember Joanna Lumley talking in that uber sexy voice of hers about the lack of news during her 'Girl Friday' experience as one of the most positive aspects of her time marooned on the island.

So why is news so bad for us? It gives a skewed impression of what life is like, paying way too much attention to the negative events that can occur in life. Thanks to national and international news it could be easy to believe that rape, murder and natural catastrophes, for instance, are something that all of us are likely to experience within our local circle of friends and family. In reality, these things are very unlikely to happen to us. Secondly, bad news makes us feel helpless because we can't do anything to alleviate the suffering of the people whose stories we hear. If you're going to read a paper, far better to make it your local freebie rag than anything else. The reporting is more balanced and we're mote likely to be able to help do something about the unhappy stories we read.

MONTHLY MIND MOVER: Rust Busting

2009-10-05T14:53:00.000+01:00

“I’m starting work next week and I’m really scared. I know in my heart I’m a good teacher but I feel so rusty,” confided Lucy this week. And she’s not alone, who hasn’t felt a bit worried or even sick at the thought of going back to work – or doing anything that puts our ego on the line - when it’s been a while?

In the run up to my first corporate workshop after my son was born I remember spending too much time thinking and agonising about it, and on the day, feeling like an impostor. It probably didn’t help that my mind was full of doubt, and swimming with thoughts of embarrassing myself and ‘what if I don’t know what to say’ scenarios. Probably a lot like Lucy and maybe you at some point in your life? Yes, even the most ‘sorted’ women experience this. It’s NORMAL!

I googled “getting rid of rust” to check the chemistry and ease of rust removal before I started drawing parallels between smelly orange metal stuff and the mental ‘rust’ I’m chatting on about and happily found that iron oxide removal is indeed relatively straight-forward. I know you’re a bright woman but let me say it anyway: Just like metal rust, removing our mental rust needn’t be too difficult. We’re off to an encouraging start, yes?

Albert Ellis, the revered psychologist generally acknowledged as the founder of cognitive-behavioural therapies - and in particular, ‘rational emotive therapy’ - developed a useful tool for mental rust-busting niftily remembered as ‘ABC’. Lots of models from psychotherapy are useful to ‘normal’ or non-clinical populations in our every day lives. ABC = Activating event, Belief, emotional Consequence.

In Ellis’ terms, Lucy’s feeling scared came in response (emotional Consequence) to her thinking that she had been out of the classroom too long to know what she was doing (Belief) and that thought was uppermost in her mind because she’s about to go back to work (Activating event). Essentially, what Ellis is saying is that our beliefs shape how we feel and crucially, we can change those beliefs to change how we feel. What do you think? Is there somewhere you could use that in your life right now? At work? In a relationship? To feel more confident about committing to an idea you’d like to put into action? To help you through a period of change?

When Lucy amended her belief to incorporate the idea that being out of the classroom had given her other useful skills and a fresh perspective, her emotional consequence was to feel more optimistic and sure of herself. She even began to imagine her first encounter with the pupils as enjoyable.

Other things Lucy and I talked about included the idea that rust quickly shifts once you get going and like riding a bike, she might feel a bit wobbly and off-balance to begin with, but she’d soon feel steady and able. We talked about the future and what she might do differently if there was a ‘next time'.’ We came up with ideas such as keeping in better touch with role-models (other teachers doing a good job with good experiences to share); finding ways to use her classroom skills outside school and maintaining contact with young people the age she currently teaches. All these things would lessen the sense of rust and help her feel more positive and happy about going back to the classroom.

What are you taking away this month?
Examining your thoughts and your self-talk and making small changes where necessary can help you feel more positive, self-assured and confident about any new endeavours or 'comebacks' you might want to make in your life. See the "PSYCHOLOGY: Positive Self-Statements" posting on this 'blog (September 16th 2009) for more on the psychology of self-talk.

LIFE: Singing boosts happiness II

2009-10-04T14:10:00.000+01:00

Third week of Rock Choir and my voice hangs in the balance and I'm seriously concerned I'm going to be the token muppet who stands out for all the wrong reasons when we go public in November. Now I thought I was going to be singing on a Thursday night, turns out we're 'performing' and that means moving our bodies and clicking our fingers as well as learning harmonies. Blooming Nora, no way, I thought but managed to hold my tongue and not admit defeat aloud. But when I woke with a shockingly sore throat at 1.20am this morning the thought of (not) being able to sing the alto harmony to "You can't hurry love" and move my body in desired direction and click my fingers on the off-beat was uppermost in my mind. Nooooooooooooo.

PSYCHOLOGY/LIFE: Singing Boosts Happiness

2009-09-22T15:15:00.001+01:00

I quoted a piece of research in my lastest article for SHE magazine ("Happiness is not a handbag", October edition, p87-88) about the positive impact of music and singing on mood and immunity, which I've started aplying more formally in my own life. As a youngster I sang in a school choir until I was 14 - and then opted for netball and hockey in my lunchtimes instead - but never gave up the love of singing and so it is I've started singing with Rock Choir on Thursday nights in Hertfordshire. My first session last week was absolutely brilliant. The leader, Abby, is the most warm, enthusiastic and welcoming lady and what makes the choir so brilliant is that you don't have to be able to sing to be part of it. I am totally enamoured and hope Rock Choir spreads throughout the UK and I can encourage all clients to give it a go if boosting their mental wellbeing, happiness or social life is on their agenda.

An American singing group, Senior Singers Chorale, have been of interest to an American psychiatrist, Gene Cohen, who found that compared with a control group of the same age, the singers visit their doctotrs less frequently, suffer less depression, use less medication and have more full social lives. So singing is a great health booster and tonic for ageing well. Let's hope Rock Choir continues as long as I do.

PSYCHOLOGY: Positive Self-Statements

2009-09-16T13:00:00.001+01:00

Show me a much publicised self-development guru who hasn't at some point espoused the benefits of positive mantras and I'll show you a woman who's got that elusive life-balance thing sorted. Hmmm, can't think of one? Neither can I. Well positive mantras are old hat when it comes to people who probably need them the most. Research by Canadian psychologists published in Psychological Science earlier this year found that people with low self-esteem who repeated a positive self-statement ("I'm a loveable person") or who focussed on how that statement was true felt worse than those who did not. It seems positive self-talk done in this way is only good for people who have good to high levels of self-esteem already. So should we wave away the word-wand altogether? I don't think so. Let me explain. My take out from the research is that the problem lies in the perecived truth/untruth of the statement. People with low self-esteem may recoil from such overtly positive statements because they perecive them to be untrue. If we were to tone down the statement to "I could be loved by someone" for example, it may be easier to accept and believe. It may also be worth the individual who wishes to raise his or her self-esteem to spend time trying to objectively review how negative statements (and positive statements they would like to hold about themselves) are true and untrue. Aiming for balanced thinking rather than all-out positive ra-ra-ra could be the answer. What do you think? Share your thoughts using the comment button.

LIFE: Maxi Mums

2009-09-16T12:18:00.000+01:00

Despite spending the night rolling round my bed with raging headache, sweats and delicate intestines I made it into London yesterday to do a series of radio interviews and a webcast. God knows how I managed it and thanks go to the pin-stripe- suited man who gave up his seat on the 0738 (you probably thought I'd had one too many the night before, but sadly no). Anyway, yesterday heard me spouting on about the rise of the 'maxi-mum', the new parent in the playground who's proudly outshining the polish of the'yummy mummy' of yester-economy. Who's got time, money and inclination to worry about personifying perfection these days? The maxi-mum is happy with her lot, does the best she can and recognises the benefit of looking 'good enough' at the school gates. She's earning cash to keep the household afloat and great at maximising value in the ways she spends her money and minutes. Thanks to Olay for conducting the consumer research that gave me opportunity to talk about the rise of this savvy group of mums (and for giving the world regenerist 30 second wrinkle filler). If I was mad for Robbie Williams I might still be glowing from the knowledge that where my bottom rested yesterday, so did his last week as he broadcast himself around the world.

LIFE: Oops

2009-08-25T14:23:00.005+01:00

Oh there's nothing like a spelling error in the subject header of an e-mail to 500 people to make you cringe and shrink into your shoulders is there? Well, I suppose there's a lot worse things happen at sea. And on the living room floor when your pre-schooler....no, better leave it there. And the daft thing is, I'd checked it four times in my usual anal way. Anyway....

I was in a meeting with PR guys this morning working on a campaign for one of their clients centred on motherhood. They were picking my professional brain and my 'mummy brain' too and because the Chair is pregnant I had to tread a fine line between honesty about what mothers might be thinking (for the sake of the campaign) and not making motherhood look too demanding/tricky/difficult (for the sake of the nearly first time mum). One of the stats from a survey they'd commissioned made me smile - out of cynicism or hope I'm not sure - which said that 79% of mothers feel under time pressure. Which of course leaves 21% of mothers not feeling that way. I am looking forward to getting to that stage and invite anyone of that 21% to come forward and give me and my clients some lessons. Or is the answer to get a grandma? I'm working on that too.

Monthly Mind-Mover -The 'F' Word:

2009-08-18T19:33:00.004+01:00

This post is a copy of my monthly mind-moving mailout and you can subscribe for free here.

Last week a friend of mine recounted a tale of bordeom-by-powerpoint by a chap who claims to know a thing or two about body language (how ironic then that he failed to respond to the crossed arms and glazed eyes). When said friend compared notes with other colleagues all agreed the presenter needed to up his game, especially since the meeting equated to 25 (lost?) business hours. "So what did you do?" I asked my friend. "I gave him feedback" she said with a strained look on her face.

This month then, six suggestions about how to handle those can-be-awkward conversations (and a request to help with some coaching research, too).

GIVING feedback

1. If you cringe at the thought of saying 'feedback,' release the grimace and reach for your thesaurus. Don't let the 'f' word get in the way of letting someone know how they could be doing something better/differently, especially if the commercial/emotional stakes are high.

2. Stand in their shoes before doling out constructive feedback. Amongst other things this means getting the timing right, doing it in a way they're likely to be comfortable with and just trying to see the world from their POV. Clients who've done this before opening their mouths say it makes a difference to the tone, content and outcome of their conversations.

3. Take some responsibility for helping the person you're giving feedback to (be they a new member of your team who's slow to get the hang of 'how we do things round here', a waitress serving under-par food in your favourite restaurant or a partner who doesn't seem to listen to what you say) make things better. People are far more likely to change if you describe positive possibilities ("Just think how much better things would be if XXXX" or "Imagine what could happen if XXX") rather than just bang on about what they did that you didn't like. If you've got the time and inclination to give them a hand in making a change then do it.

RECEIVING feedback

4. I once worked with a chap who headed up the customer relations team of a large retail organisation and he likened complaints to gifts. Without digressing into jokes about birthday and Christmas celebrations at his house, his logic goes something like this. If a customer bothers to tell you they don't like something - and better still, has some ideas of what you should be doing instead - then you're barmy not to thank them because that's invaluable free info you can use to develop your business for the better. Many customers vote with their feet and never bother to verbalise what they don't like, so if someone takes the time to give us feedback then, we probably want to thank them for it.

5. Be ready to listen, especially if you asked for feedback (360 degree feedback anyone?). A case in point is the perpetual "Is everything OK with your meal?" patter we get in most restaurants these days followed almost always by an awkard pause and dumb-founded look if you come back with anything more detailed than "yes, fine thanks."

6. Dig deeper to understand properly. If you're unsure what they mean, ask for examples. If you disagree, think before you respond, especially if the relationship is important.

What are you taking away this month?
Whatever you call it 'feedback' is an important part of any relationship. GIve it with the best possible intentions and it becomes easier and more comfortable for both of you. Recommended reading: Chapter called 'My honest opinion' in Wake Your Mind Up by The Mind Gym.

LIFE: Rebel

2009-08-11T17:21:00.004+01:00

What do you get if you don't watch telly for months and then you make it an imperative that you don't watch telly for a week? A woman who decides the only thing she wants to do with her Monday night is watch telly, that's what. So, disregarding the fact that we are supposedly on our eighth 'Do Something Different' challenge (no TV for a week) I watched University Challenge. Rebel or what? I think what I've proved here is something I often talk with clients about: the importance of framing goals positively (moving towards something rather than away from something) and choosing carefully what you focus on. If I ask you not to think about pink elephants what are you thinking about now? Our brains are clever beasties and there's a particularly clever clump of cells called the Reticular Activation System that's responsible for us attending to and noticing things in the outside world that are on our minds (a bit like noticing pregnant women everywhere once you've decide you want a baby). And along with the TV came cake and chocolate biscuits, again falling in line with research that's shown overweight people tend to watch more TV than slimmies. Is there no end to me as a lab rat?

I'm conducting some research into what's on other women's minds at the moment and their views on coaching. If you would like to be involved (just 7 minutes to comeplete a survey) that would be great.

Read Yourself Happy

2009-07-14T18:23:00.003+01:00

My latest monthly mailing got picked up by Rin Simpson at The Western Mail (a Welsh publication) and included in her print and online feature Read Yourself Happy. What a thrill! I've got my first feature due out in a UK women's glossy later in the year so I'm floating on a cloud of lovely words at the moment.

PSYCHOLOGY: Psychological effects of fiction

2009-07-07T11:11:00.011+01:00

I've been reading some recent academic papers by Keith Oatley, a psychologist studying the effects of fictional literature on its reader. It is absolutely fascinating so I made it my coaching mailout this month (read it on my website). Oatley's not the first to explore the empathy enhancing effects of fiction; in the 70s researchers explored the impact of fiction on five year olds' attitudes towards stereotypes for womens' occupations. As my son is growing up fast, it's no wonder I'm interested (although I'm yet to be asked what I do when he goes to the childminders and nursery. Perhaps this is a bad thing? Does he think I just cook and clean and therefore the question would never occur to him?)

Back to Oatley. He writes:

"Flerx, Fidler and Rogers (1976) tested five-year-olds who either had fictional stories read to them, or they watched fictional films, that depicted either egalitarian sex roles or more traditional non-egalitarian sex roles. As compared to those exposed to the more traditional material, children exposed to the egalitarian material, showed more egalitarian responses on tests of stereotypes for women's occupations immediately after the material was presented. A week later, despite some reduction, the effect persisted. These results indicate an improved capacity to empathise with a margenalised group and we regard this kind of study as an instance of persuassion by means of narrative."

Taking this research and applying it to the real world I'm now questioning the place of The Tiger Who Came to Tea on our bookshelves. Unless of course I want my son growing up to believe sitting round having afternoon tea and cooking dinner for daddy is the best way for a woman to spend her time? I mean, he sees this in action in our house anyway so does he need it reinforced in a book? Ha ha ha. At least I get my son joining in the making of dinner for daddy!

I am currently having a DSD week with my husband reading Cormac McCarthy's The Road together. We've never read the same novel simultaneously and I'm wondering how the same narrative is affecting us differently? It's both a harrowing and heart-warming read about a father and son in a post apopcalyptic world and I have put my husband and son's faces on the characters which adds to the depth of emotion I am feeling whilst reading. As in yoga when we use counter-poses I think I'll have to move to something lighter or perhaps a non-fiction next. Edward de Bono's Think! Before It's Too Late has caught my eye, although Anne Patchett's Bel Canto is waiting for me at the library...

PSYCHOLOGY: Reframing

2009-06-30T08:54:00.005+01:00

Psychology is a fascinating subject and I love bringing it to life for people with real world examples. Otherwise what's the point? Last week I went into a UK financial institution and coached several groups on the art of 'courageous conversations' (giving feedback to their managers, speaking up when something's not right, challenging accepted ways of doing things etc). A key part of successful conversations of this nature, as with many human-human interactions, is being able to see the world from the other person's perspective and being able to exercise 'unconditional positive regard' (a term associated with Carl Rogers, a founder of the humanistic movement which essentially says it's helpful if we seek to see people in the best light possible).

Aaron Beck, a psychiatrist famed for the development of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, gave us another tool which can help us interpret people and their behaviour in a positive way: reframing.

I talked through these ideas using a personal story not at all related to their work in finance (but that's the power of story - and it made them laugh and lighten up) but about life as a parent with a preschooler learning how (not) to share. So here's the story of how I missed the opportunity to have generous positive regard and reframe the behaviour of another mother.

My ever inquisitive, gregarious son who's nearly three decided he'd like to check out another kid's scooter parked at a picnic bench near ours in the park. I watch him approach and lug my not-so-light-anymore baby daughter over with me to smooth the situation with the po-faced grandmother and mother of scooter owner. To cut a long story short the grandmother told him in no uncertain terms that it wasn't for him to play on and when I mentioned me working on teaching my son to share the mother told me not to tell her how to bring her kids up. Whoah, back up there lady I thought. If only I'd kept it to a thought. Can't remember my actual words but something along the lines of not needing to come on so strong and a gentle reminder that my son is not yet 3. Isn't curiosity to be expected of them at this age? Perhaps her son is too dull to think about exploring other people's stuff without mummy by his side. Oooh, I can feel the red mist coming down again! Calm down Mrs Chivers.

So the point of my story? If I'd chosen to reframe her behaviour as I coach people to do(imagine as many different ways possible to reinterpret her behaviour until I came up with an alternative that didn't cause me to get het up - like her husband having just died or her having just lost her job or going through cold turkey after coming off methodone - not that it was that sort of park you understand) then I wouldn't have spent the next two hours mulling it over, telling anyone who'd listen how I'd been wronged and making that my welcome home speech when my husband walked in the door. Then again, it did make a great story for my coachees.

PSYCHOLOGY: Mental Capital & Wellbeing

2009-05-26T08:38:00.006+01:00

The Government Office for Science published a report last year, "Mental Capital and Wellbeing: Making the most of ourselves in the 21st century" a culmination of two years worth of research by well-respected psychologists such as Cary Cooper among others. By commissioning the project and publishing the report the Government recognises its key role in helping each of us 'flourish'. The report is a massive 317 pages long and one tiny snippet I like is the equivalent of "5 Fruit & Veg a day" to build our mental capital:

1. Connect… With the people around you. With family, friends, colleagues and neighbours. At home, work, school or in your local community. Think of these as the cornerstones of your life and invest time in developing them.Building these connections will support and enrich you every day.

2. Be active… Go for a walk or run. Step outside. Cycle. Play a game. Garden. Dance. Exercising makes you feel good. Most importantly, discover a physical activity you enjoy and that suits your level of mobility and fitness.

3. Take notice… Be curious. Catch sight of the beautiful. Remark on the unusual. Notice the changing seasons. Savour the moment, whether you are walking to work, eating lunch or talking to friends. Be aware of the world around you and what you are feeling. Reflecting on your experiences will help you appreciate what matters to you.

4. Keep learning… Try something new. Rediscover an old interest. Sign up for that course. Take on a different responsibility at work. Fix a bike. Learn to play an instrument or how to cook your favourite food. Set a challenge you enjoy achieving. Learning new things will make you more confident as well as being fun.

5. Give … Do something nice for a friend, or a stranger. Thank someone. Smile. Volunteer your time. Join a community group. Look out, as well as in. Seeing yourself, and your happiness, as linked to the wider community can be incredibly rewarding and creates connections with the people around you.

Mystery Birthday Present

2009-05-09T20:32:00.004+01:00

A truly munificent friend took me out for a mystery day of fun today (her birthday present to me). She's the most thoughtful, inspiring, interesting and interested person so needless to say it was top banana. Before the day had even begun it was a thrill to know I was being taken care of and entertained without having to do any of thinking, planning or prep. A wonderful and rare thing! (Admittedly I'd already prepared a packed lunch for children and husband to take to the zoo before I left the house).

She began by giving me an envelope contining postacrd clues to what we were going to get up to, the theme for the day being 'doing something different.' The highlight was a bibliotherapy session at The School of Life with Ella Berthoud (fabulous artist as well as knowing her books), although having a whole day in my friend's company was the most special aspect. We always have so much to say, so many ideas to exchange and discuss and we come away buoyed from being with the other. Having talked about shaping our worlds, lessening our tendency to be people pleasers and accepting rules I sneaked a brief lie-down on Sigmund Freud's couch which was clearly labelled DO NOT TOUCH and NO PHOTOGRAPHY(displayed in the Madness & Modernity: Mental Illness and the visual arts in Vienna 1900 exhibition at Wellcome Collection). Of course we took a picture. What would Sigmund say?

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

2009-05-07T20:20:00.000+01:00

I've been commissioned to write a feature for SHE magazine and it gave me the opportunity to drop a line to a rather groovily named Hungarian psychologist, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (pronounced Me-hi Cheek-sent-me-hi) asking for a quote. He's 'famous' for his contribution to the 'positive' branch of psychology and I read one of his books years ago - "Flow: The classic work on how to achieve happiness". To my amazement and delight he mailed straight back with a quote and I have to say, it was a thrill. Am I nerd of what?

I've just finished Kate Atkinson's latest novel, "When will there be good news" which was as much a page turner as her other two featuring Jackson Brodie. Not quite as gripping as Sophie Hannah's "The Point of Rescue" but close. Thoroughly recommend both. I read a feature by Sophie Hannah in a recent edition of SHE magazine (on feeling smothered by motherhood)and was compelled to write in commenting on how impressed I was by her honesty. Blooming marevllous it is to hear people say what they really think and feel.

DSD Weeks 3&4

2009-04-17T20:28:00.007+01:00

Husband has declared he has too many other projects on the go to partake of this month's DSD (see January 2nd posting on 'Do Something Different' challenges), so it's just me focussing on community spirit for the next seven days. He makes a good point that with just two hours spare after the babies are in bed, you really have to spend it on what you want. Fair play to him. I think he'll be back on board next month though. At least I hope he is given the nature of the something different. Knowing that community was the theme for April I answered the plight of a local playgroup organiser who's about to hang up her keys and move out of the area with no one ready to take up the reins. I just couldn't bare to see it fold knowing from experience that it's much harder to get something going than keep it going. A bit like plate spinning I expect, ha ha ha.

I think I need a new word to decsribe my busyness though. 'Busy' just doesn't cut it. I have taken multi-tasking to a whole new level. I found myself folding just-laundered-washing whilst I was stationary at the traffic lights this lunchtime. I wonder if that's illegal? Am I mad? Paradoxically, I've morphed into some new uber chilled mummy this week as a way to improve number 1 child's typical toddler behaviour. And it's worked. I think that's why I've gone into hyperdrive when I'm not with him - I've got to catch up on everything that needs doing. He's been an absolute delight and I'm totally in love with him. Attention, interest and slowness seem to work wonders - thanks all the ladies on the NCT forum who shared their stories and tips with me. That's community spirit if ever I saw it. Anyway, back to DSDs. Week 3 was "Go Veggie" (in March) and that passed off easily and successfully. At least it did if you count fish as veggie? A friend told me my DSDs had inspired her and her husband to try a new recipe every week and that made me feel good. There's nothing like moving other people's minds.

Finally, Giles Coren (straight-talking food critic for The Times, chum of Gordon Ramsey I think) has been entertaining me on Radio 4's "Any Questions" this evening whilst I type (must nock this multi-tasking on the head). He's top of my fantasy dinner party guest list and the guy is an absolute scream. Check this out for a passionate rant.

No Limits

2009-04-09T13:04:00.004+01:00

I am coaching a most amazing woman at the moment (exceptionally self aware, determined, strong and emotonally intelligent) and an e-mail from her to me recently was too powerful not to share. So here, with her permission, is a short piece about bashing barriers out the way and doing something difficult:

Hi Jessica

Whilst swimmimg this afternoon I was thinking about the question of "limits".... I came to the conclusion that I don't really believe that there are many genuine ones. There are a few limits set out by nature for instance altitude which to some extent you can train for and to some extent there will be a genetic advantage/disadvantage. I do believe that I could do anything if I set my mind to doing it...and I also believe that goes for anybody. If a man who is told he will never walk or talk again, the boxer Michael Watson, can go on to complete the London marathon in a week. If an 80 year old woman can do Ironman triathlon. If a man who is paralysed from the neck down can climb a mountain using his arms, along with the many other things that Marc Heremans has achieved as a paralysed athlete. If a 65 year old man can pull his 40year old disabled son in a rubber dinghy around a 2.4 mile sea swim, sit him on the front of his bike and cycle a 112 mile course and then run the 26.2 mile marathon pushing him in a buggy.....with all of that surely the only real limits are those we may put on ourselves!!!!

I think a big factor in achieving seemingly distant or unachievable goals is being able to push past your comfort zone. Recognising that whatever discomfort you may feel it will be temporary. I have often in my endeavours and indeed in life used the memory of a past painful or challenging experience to remind myself of my strength. Similarly if I am going through something difficult I try and focus on it in such a way that allows me to bottle it almost like a remedy, to use at a later date when I am struggling. For instance when I recently had an abcess under one of my teeth, which was excrutiatingly painful, I tried to think about how it would make me stronger and that it would put extra reserves in my tank ready to be used when I need them. I think most people do not tap into those reserves that they may have, often not recognising what they have got themselves through in the past...and dismissing the idea that they could achieve a certain goal because it seems out of their league....

There were lots more thoughts during my hour and a half in the pool!!!!

She's incredible and she's going to be doing her umpteenth Iron Man competition in Lanzarote in May. She inspires me and my running to say the least.

Finding Time

2009-04-04T08:45:00.004+01:00

I went away for a few days recently (without children) to celebrate my 30th birthday and when I came back I landed with not so much a bump as a shock. And this isn’t the aircraft I’m talking about. No, it was the feeling that I didn’t know how on earth to get back into doing all the things I do and giving all that I give. It prompted me to send out a brief note to many mothers I know telling them just what a fantastic job they do every day without pay and little thanks. When discussing my experience with a friend we talked about needing to fill our own reserves up before we can give to others. She sent me a little quote: "When we connect with our own energy we are more open to the energy of other people. The more alive we feel the more we can contribute to the lives of others."

Another friend is doing a parenting course and they'd recently been covering the same thing; this idea that we have to take something back for all that we give. Anyway, I have to laugh about not feeling like I have enough time for myself because no one's going to find the time for me, it's up to me. Life is full of choices and if I decide it's more important to be comparing the Oftsed reports of two local nurseries at 9.30pm at night instead of cracking on with Rose Tremain's acclaimed "The Road Home" then more fool me.

My husband said the nursery decision was a no-brainer and no Ofsted reading required. He was right as it turns out. I do find him to be such a good decision maker, stripping out all the fluff and getting to the heart of the matter. Bless the man.

Happiness is not a handbag

2009-03-31T14:54:00.003+01:00

Oooh how exciting that the most shared story on the BBC online yesterday was none other than my mate Karen's research into women, emotions and spending. I played a bit part collecting and analysing data and what a thrill it is to see research moving women's minds because it's out in the public domain and not kept hidden in a journal or in some prof's satchel. Great! I was chatting to a (male) owner of an independent clothes shop in my town at the weekend and he said the fab spring weather made the women come out in droves. It seems when we feel good we shop good. Or maybe there was just a premenstrual hormonal surge in St Albans that week? I know when I feel good and the sun shines I want to buy everyone presents (and a little self gifting too). I was speaking at The Vitality Show on Thursday giving a talk I called "Happiness is not a handbag" which is ironic given all the shopping opportunities they had down there. The PR team and exhibition company did a great job putting the show together and I really enjoyed having a very funny impromptu ski and yoga session on a wii. The things modern technology allows you to do is incredible. My talk followed Rosemary Connoly and I have to say she's an absolute slip of a woman and knows exactly how to tell people what's good for them. I was rather impressed with her forthrightness and wondered whether that's what people like. I don't take that approach as a coach but think it definitely has merit. Perhaps I could do with her as a fitness instructor to get me to stop procrastinating about if/when I'll do a half marathon. Might have to think a bit more about that.

Psychology for All

2009-03-15T16:59:00.004Z

Yesterday I took my mind for a wander at the BPS "Psychology for All" conference in London and by golly what a cracking job they did at producing an engaging programme. Professor Richard Wiseman was a hoot with his 'psychology of luck' (University of Hertfordshire) and Nicky Rumsey's talk (from the Centre for Appearance Research, Bristol) on how psychologists are helping people who don't like their appearnce was very moving. I went along more for the style than the substance, given I've got my first public speaking outing in a while, in a fortnight. Professor Rumsey ran through some startling statistics about women's dissatisfaction with their bodies. She cited the work of Etcoff et al, 2006 who found that only 1:10 are free of concern re their weight/shape and that 25% of 15-64 year olds are actively considering cosmetic surgery. There were 32,000 private cosmetic treatments in the UK in 2007 and psychological screening of people undergoing such surgery is not mandatory. It's bonkers given that for a very large number of people, the desire for cosmetic surgery is rooted in a psychological issue and having the procedure doesn't solve it. Research by Sarwar in 2007 showed that people opting for cosmetic surgery tend to have lower self-esteem, lower confidence and unrealistic epectations of the outcome of surgery compared to people who haven't had or don't desire it. It's very difficult to compete with the marketing budget of the beauty industry and I'm not sure what the answer is. We could turn schools into wellbeing centres rather than academic institutions and teach programmes of self-esteem, how to be happy, what it is to be a good citizen, money management and a plethora of other valuable life skills that would make the world a better place for every individual and society as a whole. Hmmm.